Weddings and Things That Make You Go Hhhmmm

DustyMark's Journey, the journey continues 11 Comments

June 14th 2022

The summer is going to fly by isn’t it? I mean it is mid-June already so it will be August tomorrow right? Lets just wrap this year up so we can start over (to me the year ends in August when all the craziness started) but I’ve also learned not to rush through life and miss those little precious moments.

So..if you are still following along, which you must be…this is the latest.

We were suppose to drop a podcast but Karson was getting all the last minute stuff done for his wedding and then left for his honeymoon. The nerve of him! 🙂 So I’ve put a bug in his ear one more time and we will see where that gets us.

Speaking of the wedding….it went fantastically. The only thing missing was Mark.

About 4 weeks ago a friend was at my house (sorry if I told this story already) and she was asking me how everything was going and I was worried. I was so afraid he would get more sick and not be at the wedding and that was crushing to me. He wanted to see his kids get married and even though that could be years down the road, he could at least be part of this one. I saw her after the funeral, or at it…I don’t remember….and I couldn’t believe that fear came to pass. The rehearsal was pretty quick and a nice opportunity to check out the venue as I had never been there. I thought I knew which one it was but I was way off! When we were practicing it was going to be just me in the front row…by myself and I told my kids they were to sit up there with me because I don’t want to be alone. The poor widow alone in the front pew. Dinner was good and I finally got to really meet the wedding party. The next day was just really nice. The weather was nice, the venue was beautiful on its rolling hills with white horse fences, and it seemed pretty laid back. I had no responsibiities nor did I know what was actually happening so I had no idea if something went wrong and I was seeing everything for the first time. Abby and Karson did a “first touch” without seeing each other and they read each other their own vows and I listened out the windown andI had to walk away. It felt really raw to me…like my own wedding day, which was forever ago but it made me miss Mark. When was about 5 minutes to walk down the isle and I saw my siblings show up and Mark’s siblings show up, it just made me sad. It reminded me that he wasn’t here and I had to walk away and pull myself together so I wasn’t a bumbling fool walking down the isle. I cried when Karson cried and a little more but it was really happy. I was able to help with the butterfly release as well and it all went off without a hitch. No one even knew her bridesmaid stepped on her dress and put a hole in it. A couple safety pins and some boob tape (yes its a thing) and all was well.

The food was good, the music was fun and everyone behaved. We even ended the night with some fun long sparklers. I did lose it bit on our dance as I was trying to tell him even though he told dad he would take care of us…he has a family now and he doesn’t have to. I will need him from time to time but I didn’t want him to feel the pressure to always look out for us. But I know he will.

They are now back from their honeymoon and they had a great time. While they were gone…we (meaning me) had an emotional week at home. I was going through garage stuff to prepare for the upcoming open house and it really just took me down memory lane and I was reminded of how awesome a husband I had. He truly wanted to be a great husband. He wanted to meet my needs and put me first. Midweek I had a disagreement/misunderstanding (or both?) with someone and it really just shot me over the edge. I can’t recall many conflicts with people and I hate them. I can for sure find my fault in them…takes two to tango but it all seems so unneccessary. I am so overwhelmed with losing Mark, and going through our stuff and getting ready for this party on top of all the legistic stuff I have to deal with since his passing. The hardest part of all of it was that Mark would be the one I talked to about it. He would tell me where I was wrong…(and I would not like that and he would be right) and what to do. But this time I had to go it alone. But not totally alone. I have really great friends that knew I needed a “time-out”. I took their advice and went to a nearby cabin and that was a little scary to me. Not in fear for my life but I don’t do things alone. So I was alone by propane light…in a cabin where I had to pump in my water. It was really nice actually. I journaled and had the intention to read but the days events weighed down on me and I was able to just cry. I didn’t have to worry who heard me or what I looked like….I just blew out the candles and went to sleep. The next day I spent the entire time on the dock in a chair. I made trips to the house but I ate on the dock and read on the dock and journaled on the dock. I prayed on the dock and talked out loud as well. I came to the conclusion that I was on the right track and the role I was playing in the current circumstance is the correct one. (sorry can’t give details). Mark and I had had conversations about this specifically and I had to hold my ground. I also remember thinking when Mark first got sick…that there is going to be a really cool story at the end of all of this. I was hoping the story was a huge healing…and then there have been so many people affected by Mark that I thought the story would be in many people….and even though I think that’s part of it is, I think it will be bigger.

I had to leave my tranquil spot on the water to go to Hatcher and Aly’s track and field banquet. I feel like it’s hard to be present for all of this. Even though I am physically there, I feel like I’m not and then when my mind can’t stop swirling…I realized I haven’t even heard what’s being said and sometimes what is being said directly to me. The next day was Aly’s orientation at Cornerstone and we got up early to attend that. This is yet another hard event as Mark is not there. He would have loved to have been there. To show her his favorite spots and to tell his stories once again..but be able to point out the exact spots in which it took place. I was walking through a cloud, again. I didn’t hear what was being said to me and I had to walk out of the seminar three times to take calls. Aly met a sweet gal named Ruth and normally I’m all about meeting people and when I looked back at it…I really never engaged. My mind was so preoccupied, Aly often had to snap be back to reality. We did get her classes scheduled and thank goodness she is proactive because she had to come home and take care of some transcript things and she did that on her own.

This is crunch time to get my garage cleaned out, a project that had to be done anyways, in order to house the food and Aly Shrine for her party. I have three full days left to finish getting items I need, yard and house ready and to finalize the garage clean out. Its getting done. I think Mark was wondering…how is this garage going to get cleaned out? Well, we are doing it Mark. I often find myself wanting to take pictures and text him things. Like the grass…or how good the mulch looked. I mean, obviously I realize before I even finish the thought, that I don’t need to do that but I want him to see it. I want him to know it looks good and its getting done. I always wanted Mark to be proud of me. I care what people think to a certain extent..but I really cared what Mark thought of me.

Its just all hard. I dont’ know how to explain it and I don’t really want to live it. I have no answers and wonder how my kids will get through this. Maybe they are stronger than me. I look forward to being done with the “have-tos” so we can do more of the “want-tos”. I think it will take a long time to deal with all the banking/legistic/responsibiliy stuff so I’ll hit the main ones and then chisel at the rest of them as I go, taking breaks as needed. I don’t want to take Mark’s name off things…it feels like I’m erasing him. I like to see our names together. I like to see his name. Slowly that will dissapear and I don’t like that.


It’s not too late to run at the Mark Memorial 5K in Ionia! Also if you love Bball then there is a tournament here in Newaygo on July 9th (more info to follow) which happens to be the tournament Mark played in last year and won. Proceeds will be given in Mark’s name to a charity of our choice (I’ll also keep you posted on that)

Comments 11

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  1. We will try to make a baseball game and give a donation.
    You’re doing as expected Dusty. I’m sorry if that sounds trite. 😢
    You didn’t expect to be a widow, and here it is.
    I love your honesty. You’ll probably be a space cadet for awhile. Meaning, you won’t catch a lot of what’s being said.
    Live for God, remember Mark and talk to Mark. We don’t know what God lets them see and hear when in Heaven.
    I talked to my mom after she died. And, sometimes, after 20 plus years, I still talk to her. 🥰

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  2. I’m glad you were able to take a day for yourself, and I’m sure that Mark was and still is very proud of you and very grateful for all the loving care you gave to him! Continuing to pray for you.

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  3. Oh Dusty, we have never met but, I feel like we are very similar. My heart would be crushed if my Mark, yes ,same name, were to pass first, just as yours is. I too, always want my Mark to be proud of me. I feel every word you write, deep within my core! You have every right to feel the way you do. Mark’s passing is so fresh. Allow yourself to feel these things, to process and to grieve. Finally, just breath. Minute by minute, day by day month by month. I believe we are all stronger than we think we are and never truly knownit, until we have to be. I’m sorry that you “have to be” but, I see your strength! You are strong! You are brave! You are going to get through this process and you will begin to feel again!!!!

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      Thank you for writing this to me. I don’t remember saying “I have to be” so I’ll look back. I’m sure I did. I don’t feel strong. Days like today I took a road trip and cried on the way there and on the way back but its good for me to be alone and cry. I’m so sad. I don’t want to be without him. I daydream Gods miracle is raising him up. I know…silly. I daydream I’ll see him. Whole. and then I worry when I get to heaven…that he might know me but we won’t be married. I’ll never have him as my husband again. It was too short.

      1. You may not have said you have to be but, surely there are times you feel you do. I too have worried about what heaven will be like. It has been one of my biggest fears since we were dating. I heard someone put in a way that made me feel better and less afraid. I will see if I can find it. I am learning that the reality for me is that I have a fear of change and the unknown. Super deep water gives me the heaby jeebies because I don’t know what is below me, yet I love the water! I really think we are alike in so many ways in how we think.

        You may not see your strength but’ those of us who read this, do. It’s okay to need time alone to cry. You are grieving and missing Mark terribly!!! How can you not when you’ve been with someone so long?!

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