We didn’t Leave You…We Just Left You

March 12th

I’ve had lots of thoughts…but I don’t write. Events have happened…but I don’t write. I’m trying to chill…but its hard. My brain doesn’t know how to do that…my body doesn’t know how to do that. Even if I’m sitting still..it doesn’t mean I’m relaxed.

We didn’t leave you…we just left you to go south. The loose ends became tied up and we were able to slip south last Saturday afternoon right after dialysis. Currently I’m watchign a middle aged women jog the beach of the Atlantic Ocean. while another young mom watches her two young kids closely as they play in the sand and the waters edge. The sun is hiding today but that’s okay because I can still hear the ocean talking to me me and I can still see endless water. Every once in a while a pelican swoops in front of the window and a couple days ago you could see dolpins swimming not far off the coast. I’ve watched beginners surfers and better surfers and Mark and I joke that my definition of a good surfer is that they can stand up and ride a wave. Well, it’s more than I can do.

Dark clouds are coming in and I hear distant thunder. The kids just left to walk the beach while its still dry. Mark is sleeping on the sofa. i just witnessed this (see below) on the beach. I guess Karson stayed back as he decided he didn’t want to get wet when it starts to rain.

Mark has dialysis today. Any vacation we have taken I do alot of the planning and packing. It’s normal. Mark was working and traveling and so I did what needed to be done to leave. He was always in charge of booking hotels (using points etc) but even the last few times we went to Florida…he was already there or landing there so I even did all the driving (it’s not my favorite). Even though packing for a trip seems daunting and time consuming…as long as you have a way there, a place to stay, and funds to play…thats all you really need. This time was different. Meds had to filled and represcribed, appointments had to be cancelled and rescheduled, schools notifed, professors notifed, dialysis had to be scheduled here (Davita does that -thank goodness) a dog sitter found, and many other small details. This all came together last minute (5 days before we were to leave) so many small things had to line up for us to go. The bummer was that since we didn’t know we were going to be able to go…I told Cora to make plans with her friends and have fun. So she made plans…and then we made plans and she was really torn but wanted to stay loyal to her friends. I told her I was secretly praying that her trip would fall apart.

We have great friends and I don’t know why. As soon as the word got out that we were going, it’s like a fairy warning went out and everyone went to work to make sure we had what we needed in additional to special treats (literally). We are blessed BEYOND beyond!

The trip down was…well a drive down. Mark rode most of the way in the front but we ended up setting him up in the back so he could recline better. It was a long time to be in the car and sitting hurts his tailbone. He was glad to arrive.

The place we are staying is spectacular. Panaramic views of the Atlantic ocean, right on the beach. I’m not sure a vacation condo gets much better. We enjoy coffee on the patio each morning and Mark stays there awhile, reading and texting etc and sometimes I get to go walk on the beach. We haven’t done much and didn’t plan to. It was suppose to be more of a do nothing trip anyways. We have gone out to a few restuarants and I have tickets to a River Tour in hopes of viewing some manatees and/or dolphins.

Mark says he feels weaker everyday. I’m not sure if it’s because they are taking off alot of fluid at dialysis (he isn’t urinating as much anymore) or if his body really is getting weaker. His hemoglobin is hovering at 8 and that is a huge reason to feel cruddy but there isn’t a whole lot to be done. He did get more serious and started taking all 3 of his hemagenics supplements instead of the one. Maybe over the next couple of weeks it will go up. Also…GOOD NEWS!! The case manager emailed me and told me that his immunotherapy was approved so when we get back he can start that.

This past Monday Cora decided to ditch her friends (not really, she felt awful) and come to Florida. Karson also told us he was coming. Thursday night I was suppose to pick up both of them but her flight got cancelled and Allegient only flies certain days in and out of Orlando and so she couldn’t catch a new Alligient until the weekend so she had to buy another one-way to get here and we were able to pick her up last night at midnight. (so much for resting right?) But now we are all (mostly) together for a few days. I didn’t want to be the reason Cora did or didn’t come so I tried to stay pretty nuetral in my opinion as I think I would have felt just as torn as she did. I didn’t want my emotions to make her feel good or bad for not coming nor did I want to be manipulative in her changing her mind. Today on the beach as we took a morning stroll for her and I to catch up, it was evident to me that she was suppose to be there and I needed that walk. I struggle with prayer (as I wrote about early on in the journey) and I have justified “silent praying” for a long time. It’s like I’m scared of my own voice or that if you say it out loud, your emotions will spill out with it. So I don’t. I think I’m afraid of my own emotions actually. I often don’t even know what to say…or what if someone hears me? Am I suppose to just talk out loud at anytime? Cora and I talked about prayer life and strengthening relationships with God and it just made me cry. You know when you know…that you need to make changes. I also know that I keep quiet in order to keep control…yet, I feel very out of control. I don’t feel peace. I don’t feel Gods presence, yet I know who He is. So if I know…why am I not talking to Him like I should? Out loud. Maybe this will just be my struggle. We also talked about having your hand out. Not to grasp too tightly to what we think is ours or what we have…its all HIS. He can take it at any time…(even if we try to hold tight)

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March 13th

Gosh I hardly know the dates.

The kids took a walk and got caught in a downpour!! They came running down the beach toward the condo….it was raining sideways and the thunder was rolling. After squeezing out the water from their clothes, like a 1940’s housewife, we got everyone dried off we took Mark to dialysis and I drove the kids to Goodwill and Walmart as Cora came with nothing. Her original plan was to go to Idaho…and possibly ski, so needless to say…she was not prepared. We also needed some more food but I was super anxious to get back as half of my kids were at the condo. I guess I always feel torn in multiple directions (I’m thinking of a conversation with Melissa Schiedel…are you reading?). So I probably rushed Cora too much but we needed to get back to get ready to pick Mark back up to go to dinner. He really wanted us to have a Seafood Boil (Katie and Derek Max….remember?). I woke up sleeping beauty (Karson) when I got there and we had to kind of hustle. We did enjoy the dinner…it was super messy!!!

Each night we have someone choose a movie…last night we watched a slow one and it was hard to stay awake (Radioactive…interesting history on radiation and chemotherapy, actually). I slept til 10:18am this morning!!!! Hatcher attempted a second night sleeping on the patio so he could hear the ocean all night. I just let him. These are things I cannot care about anymore. It was much colder last night. Today was a high of 64??? But the sun came and went so it still beats home. 🙂

Today (Sunday) we watched church and walked the beach. Aly made a friend named Janet. A retiree who is from Michigan but now snowbirds from Ohio here in Melbourne. She was searching for sea glass and Aly was looking for shells and so she struck up a convo with her and when Aly told her her name (Alyeska) she told her that her son lived in Alaska and was married at Alyeska. Sadly, he passed away. Janet bought a book about shells at a garage sale in Ohio and told Aly all the names. Even the the sun peeked in and out….Cora’s face shows signs of sunshine as she and Scott stayed on the windy beach for another hour.

We decided to see a movie together and went to see Batman. Funny. We would never, probably, go see a movie together at home. We have to all meet together in Florida to do that. Mark had coffee with Karson this morning. Karson lives in the same small town as us…but he had to come down to Florida to have coffee with Mark. It’s just how it goes. And it’s okay. It’s all God’s plan and their time together this morning was priceless. Things were said and discussed and I know the conversation will never be forgotten.

Karson and Aly are on a quick night run. I need to heat up the oven for some pizza. Mark is grilling poor Scott on the sofa about dating but I’m listening to him talk about our dating era. I loved dating Mark.

I had a super brief text conversation with Abby (Karson’s fiance who could not come) and I just feel lucky. I’m excited for her to be part of the family and sad at the same time that I’m so disconnected. Also, a little weirded out that Karson, this handsome young man, is my son…and he is getting married. Lucky that I have a daughter on fire for Christ at Moody (I can see her teaching!!!) and lucky to still have some time at home with Aly and Hatcher while we try to help steer Aly to what she wants to do after school. Super blessed that our church family still prays for us and looks out for us. Super blessed that people I do not know…offer up their brand new (to them) condo in Florida. Who does that?!!!

I have more to say but want to publish this. I want to talk about the sermon this morning…..I need to go make notes so that I don’t forget.

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