The Lord Gives…and He Takes Away

DustyMark's Journey 10 Comments

May 14th

Every time I write the date, I can’t believe how much time has passed and then again how short its been.

I don’t know if this will be incredibly long or just in many sections.

Where I left off: Friday was dialysis at home, and although I was able to get the needles in…it didn’t go well. Mark was always really patient with me and told me that I did really well but it always made me nervous. He was only able to run 1.5 hours and I had to take him off. We believe there may have been a small clot in the needle (taking blood out) causing the arterial levels to drop and when the machine keeps stopping you risk large clots in the system and we didn’t want that. Sadly, we were unable to take fluid off and I really wanted him to feel better. I cleared stuff from the garage and donated a truck full and then I had one of Mark’s best friends, Phil Stevens, come to sit with Mark so I could go to the kids invitational up in Lake City. I himmed and hawwed over this. I wanted to go but I had to keep telling myself there will be others meets and if Mark needs me here then that’s where I need to be. But Mark was feeling better than he had in the two previous days and was encouraging me to go. Later Jason Long came as well and I guess they just had a really great time talking and laughing and catching up. Mark was awake and alert the whole time. A gift to all three of them…I now realize.

Saturday we got up and Mark insisted that he take Aly to breakfast, he has been way into going out for breakfast and food in general. Aly drove (no worries!!) and they went to City Limits and then she drove him all over around the lakes etc so he could show her some of his running routes he used to take so that she could do that as well. When they got back I left to show face at one of Abby’s Bridal show********side note!!! plane just flew over head..Mark ALWAYS looked to see what type of plane or if he knew them. He always identified the type of plane if it was unusual if we didn’t know it*****er and then picked up Felicity and Kiyah on the way back. Aly and Hatcher had prom and so we saw them off (sitting on the back deck finally!!) and the rest of us went out for dinner for Mother’s Day. It was Karson, Abby, Cora, Felicity, Mark, Kiyah and me. Cora had just gotten home about 3pm and we unloaded all her junk onto the front porch. Looking back I am amazed that he even wanted to go…that he felt well enough to go. We went to Forager in Howard City (go check it out!) but we didn’t call ahead and it was packed. They found a seat outside for us but we weren’t in the sun, it was a little windy and the tables wouldn’t go together. Mark chatted with the waitress and she thought she might be able to get us at a table with a party just leaving. It didn’t take long and we were inside! I think it was finding the right person, a newborn, and a man that was clearly not well that got us in. After that we were able to order and relax and enjoy each other. I held baby most of the time and stood in the corner rocking her. I loved it. When we got home…Mark really just passed out and we hung out for a bit but Cora took Felicity home and the other two left.

The next morning, I think just Cora and Hatcher went to church. Just the second service. Mark and I talked about it and as much as I did not want to do the needles we decided that we should do dialysis because its good for him and our session on Friday was cruddy. It as a long slow session as I could not get him up to top speed without the arterial pressures yelling at me. But clean blood is clean blood. What we really wanted to do is take fluid off because he was really holding more fluid in his legs and feet but his blood pressures were the lowest they have ever been and I could not take off fluid with those condistions. The kids all came downstairs…and kind of hung out for a bit with us and then scattered throughout the house. In hindsight….the low BP and the extra fluid make sense…his body was shutting down.

At 5:30pm we left for UofM so we could make an appointment for his total spine MRI to follow up from back surgery. They wanted to make sure the hardware still looked good and then they could clear him. He always brings his pink bucket, zofran and napkins just in case. It seems in the last days the zofran did nothing for his vomiting (also make sense in hindsight) but we brought it anyways. His abdomen hurt him alot on Sunday…and his back. We weren’t 1 hour into the trip before I had to pull off so he could vomit. This is not unusual….last time we went to UofM we did this a few times on the way. This time he felt he needed to get all the way out of the car and onto his hands and knees over the bucket. We were quite a sight on the edge of the highway exit. When this happened the second time I had this “feeling”. I don’t know how to explain it. It was heading into night time (7:30) and we were on the side of the road again….and I just felt like I should turn around or change plans. But it was also a lonely feeling. Like I had to make this decision on my own. It felt really heavy. We went to a gas station to use the bathroom and even that was weird. I wanted to turn around and go to St Marys but we were so much closer to UofM. I asked Mark what I should do and he told me “you’re the boss”. I wished that he would have told me that the pain was more than ever and that is was unbearable. I kept going. When we arrived at the clinic I called to check in but I told them he was sick and I wasn’t sure if he could do the MRI-it was 90 minutes! I got him inside so he could use the bathroom and as I was getting the door he told me he was going to pass out. I quickly grabbed a wheelchair and settled him in and got him into the restroom. He used the bathroom but then felt like he was going to vomit again and ended up laid out on the floor. I had to help him up (even though he lost weight, he was heavy) and we got out of the bathroom and when they called him up and I told them he wasn’t going to be able to do it and that I was taking him to the ER. I voiced my concern that I wouldn’t be able to go in with him and while I was getting him back into the car, the nurse came out and told me I would be able to (she called ahead). That was really nice of her. Much more helpful than the receptionist asking me to put my mask on…all the way on! I wanted to lose it on her!!! Masks don’t save lives!!! Clearly!! We will all still die of something. Shut up! No one was in the room with us. Not a soul. (I can for sure get evil in my heart at times, especially when I am overwhelmed)

At the ER they valeted my car and I was able to go in with Mark and it wasn’t a terrible wait. His BP was low but higher than that morning. They couldn’t get a temperature on him though. They did lab work and took him for a CT scan. They also finally took a sample of fluid from his abdomen and were going to test that. He still kept needing to sit up and vomit…even though nothing was coming out. They did get him on pain meds right away through an IV and I feel like he got comfortable (not totally but much more than he was and he dozed off). He did start to vomit blood and one nurse was not concerned but the the others were. I was. Everything takes time and that abdomen sample took a long time to obtain. We got there at 9pm but didn’t really get any sort of answers til after 1am. There WAS too much fluid in his abdomen…it needed to be drained. He needed fluid off his body period. When they got a temperature it was 95 degrees F. They assured me I was where I needed to be and that he was very sick. They were going to either put him up on the oncology floor or in the ICU and I was upset with myself that I drove to Ann Arbor because now he was stuck here at the hospital and I was far from the kids. It wasn’t long after that the resident doctor came in and took a seat. I knew that wasn’t good.

*** I have to do this in sections or I will never post it. Its been 2 week s already. I want to remember it so I need to type it out but I can’t do it all in one section or my brain will explode or melt or something.

Comments 10

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  1. Take the time you need to process. The writn will come and when you begin, each time, it will come back to you. Prayers are still going up for you and the family!

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  2. Still praying you through all this. Thank you for filling us all in. It can’t be easy, but probably good to get it down before you start forgetting the details. You’re a special person and did everything you could for the love of your life. We’re proud of you.

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      He was the love of my life for sure…I am looking back through so many notes and cards and photos and my husband wanted to be the best husband and was so attentative to things some husbands never are. I was very lucky. So very blessed.

  3. You did an amazing job loving and caring for Mark! So Amazing!!! You both lived this past year so glorifying to the Lord! Thank you for letting Christ shine through you in such painful circumstances you had to walk through. Love you all!❤️❤️

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      Thank you Michelle…I always see how I could do better. Looking back you can see where but in the midst of it..I couldn’t. If only I could redo…but we can’t and I don’t want to live looking back with regrets. Thank you for being my friend and doing so much for Cora.

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