Pull All the Way Over

Friday April 15th 2022

One of our morning commutes this week was super slow. We did everything the same but when we merged onto the highway it was very evident that we would be stuck in some slow traffic and would arrive much later to our appointment than we had anticipated. We wondered why that day was different than any other day. Was there a lane closure…an accident? We played back and forth games with a gray Explorer for a few miles….he was very eager to get in the fastest lane only to be stuck each time he moved over. (Kind of like our lives right???). It was about 1 mile before our exit when we came upon the culprit. A semi-truck had pulled over on the side of the road….except he left his tires a little on the white line. Now common sense tells me that all people have to do is move over 12″ to the left and then the car next to you would do the same and traffic can flow normally. You don’t even have to slow down. It really just takes one person slamming on their brakes in a desperate plea to move to the other lane causing curiousity and panic behind them. That turns into very slow traffic for 4 miles. It’s crazy how one person can do that. One person could stop in their tracks and become uncertain….causing every else to detour. One person can post on social media causing an uproar in their community. One person can decide to not finish a project and then the work doesn’t make deadline. Its also funny how we follow. Why would the hundreds of cars follow an unsensible pattern? Do we not think for ourselves anymore? (don’t make me answer that). And for crying out loud…if you are doing to pull over in your vehicle (especially as a professional driver) pull ALL the way over. Get out of the way. Fully commit to the position. It made me wonder how often we waiver in our lives. How often we don’t fully commit to what we are doing or want to do, causing chaos in the lives around us and in our own. If you don’t fully commit to Christ…keep living 2 lives (with your tires still on the white line) or to your marriage or to any other relationship, it will never bloom to its potential. If you don’t fully commit to your work, you’ll never work your way up and get that pay increase or promotion. If you don’t finish those projects (like cleaning out the garage) you have to step over the mess for a long time (or park your car outside in the elements…making mornings much more complicated than it needed to be) all because you didn’t go all in. You didn’t fully commit…you didn’t pull all the way off the road. It made people around you question you and themselves…it made them slow down and go around and even avoid you. Its funny how we can really muck up out lives and those around us by not fully following through. Most of the times it’s ourselves we hurt the most….but sometimes you also make people 30 mins late. These are just my morning commute thoughts as Mark listened to…shoot forgot his name…on a video/podcast regarding Job. I obviously didn’t listen….but I remember hearing “he was covered in boils and sores…and he still worshipped God?”…..

Today is day 5 on the fistula and it is going well. Its getting stronger and running almost perfect (we had some alarms Wednesday). Let me just clarify. We are in center this week and the next week (or more) and so all of this is being done by the nurse and I will learn how to cannulate (poke a needle into a vein) next week on a dummy and then Mark. Yes, I can make a lame joke right there for funnsies but I won’t even though you already thought it. :). Mark is no dummy. Each morning is a commute (like most of you do) and I had to fall into a different routine after I feel like I just settled into one at home. I’m flexible…I’ll get back to it when need be. There are pros and cons to this. It’s nice to have a break from being a nurse…I get to take Hatcher to school and when we are on our way home…we are done. We can just go home and relax and I don’t have to make SAKS or drain them or do anything related to dialysis. We also get to spend alot of time with our new dialysis nurse and get to know her and that has been really fun. She’s very spunky and talkative and relatable, easy to talk to. Plus coffee gets made FOR me. The drawbacks are the daily commute (and the gas to go with it) and just being out of routine. So if I want to workout, I have to work it into the afternoon instead of just doing it while Mark is dialyzing..which made it justifiable. I have to make food to go if I want to eat anything decent and make sure Mark has breakfast and that sounds easy…but I keep forgetting. My brain is in a million places (not that I was very focused before). Basically, you lose some of the flexibility that home hemo gives you when you go in center and you have to shift. I do get to change up the arrangement in the basement since we aren’t using it and put the chair where Mark can see more of the wildlife that comes up to our house.

Sunday we worked in the garage and outside and amazingly enough Mark was up and doing stuff (slowly but surely) all afternoon. Monday rolled around and after dialysis…he was sick. He just didn’t feel good all afternoon and into the night and I started to become concerned. By Tuesday morning he seemed to be in less pain and by the time we to to to dialysis he was ready to eat and seemed more normal. After dialysis he had radiation at Metro and that took a bit longer so I went and get food and walked around Target. They have cute stuff but those stores make me anxious now. I didn’t care to stay and ate some food in my car before getting Mark. I didn’t know if he would be sick from it like he was with the spine radiation and if he was, would it be the same day or the next or two days later? He needed to schedule one more session and I didn’t know if he should do it Friday (today) and chance being sick all Easter weekend but it didn’t seem to affect him negatively. So today, after dialysis, we will head over to get some radiation on his sacrum. Its funny how you talk about it like, yeah I’m gonna just go get my brows waxed. Or I think I’ll go pick up some take out. Yeah, we are gonna swing through and get him some radiation before heading home. His shoulder and hip do feel less painful from Tuesdays dose so we are hoping it will make sitting more tolerable after today’s. Wednesday, I left him at dialysis for my brother to pick up so I could go get Felicity and take her to her baby appointment. All is looking good and she is 38 wks and some days along. She is showing signs of early labor and that is hard for a first time mom to understand…even though I try hard to explain. I was on the phone alot with her Wednesday explaining to her she is not in labor. We were going to go to the kids track meet but it was cancelled. Thursday I didn’t stay at dialysis so I could go and be with Felicity to be able to see her with my eyes and know what her body language is doing…and communicating. To see how uncomfortable she is and to just keep her company. Since she was just a little uncomfortable and not anywhere near active labor…we did a kick count and a short walk before I left to go get Mark. As soon as we got home we got into our winter gear. Yes, winter gear… and snagged a camping chair before heading over to Newaygo High School to watch the invitational. It was cold!!! Mark went back to the car a few times to warm up and recline back and I popped out and watched events as I desired. It really was kind of a cool night despite the poor weather and delayed events (they were having equipment issues and the meet went on much later than expected). Track season always get us both excited…we start reliving our own glory days and its just fun to watch all this kids we know, compete. Especially our own. We had some really good conversations with some friends we hadn’t seen in a while and some with friends we see often. Justice (kidney recipient) was there and Mark go to chat with him a while.

I was reflecting afterward as I finally sat down to relax (I had come home to a beeping machine with and expired SAK – out of habit I made one sunday night but kept it in the machine just in case but they expire in 72 hours) and reflected on some of the people I had to talked to and even some of my kids relationships with their peers. One man who was there can come off as very serious and intimidating…but really he has a huge heart and is probably like a teddy bear and took the time to talk to Mark, formally introduce himself (even though we knew who he was) and tell Mark he prays for him and reads this blog. He was complimentary toward our daughter and it makes your heart melt a bit. I was reflecting on the relationship of one of the other moms from the cc/track world and how different she seems to me than 4 years ago when our worlds merged as our daughter took to the starting line at cross country meets. She’s softer, more vulnerable and easier to talk to (Maybe she thinks the same as me as I’ve been told I come off brash. I just have a big mouth). I see growth in her. Is it because I know her more? Is it because she went through her own hardships and views life different…is it Christ? Or did I change? I don’t know. I just know I enjoyed just standing there and talking to her and watching the kids and talking about them and seeing/hearing the joy when she talked about her own. Maybe that was all messed up as I typed it but the moral of the story here…..if I’m going to make one….is to get to know people. Never assume they are of one character/personality or the other. Never assume they don’t like you or wouldn’t want to talk to you or that their life is cake because it looks like it. So many people are going through junk or have stories just like yours. We are all people and we need relationships…and without relationships…life is pretty pointless. The evening ended..or so I thought it would…with my daughter receiving a text from a fellow runner who was just very uplifting and positive and wanted to just say “hey, great job, you are awesome” (those were not her words) and man!…. that made my daughters night as she stood in the kichen with her other friend making food, coming off from a meet where she placed first in her event and they crushed all competition for the entire night. The relationship with the friend that texted her hasn’t always been roses and lollipops…and so for her to do that and initiate it meant alot. It was a good night.

I ended up taking Felicity to triage at 11pm….because there were concerns…which turned out to be nothing. I think every new mom goes through this. I returned home about 2am and slept right away (the last few nights have been a bit sleepless) and got up at 6 to get here today. I’m tired. Last night at the track meet, even though I was physically watching races…I had to stop and think hard to remember what I just watched. Its like it immediately left my brain and it never happened. Which we can kind of laugh at the foggy brain but I think it catches up with you eventually! Right after this we will head to Metro for radiation and then head home to prepare for Easter weekend. And by prepare I mean, collapse on sofa in hopes of a 20 mins nap, grab some food and go to church. I’m looking forward to Cora coming home, episode 3 of the podcast (just be patient), dress shopping (well I’m indifferent on that), Easter dinner and just family time. If a baby gets born in there somewhere, awesome. However, I think it will still be a week or so.

In all the craziness….all the chaos…look for the little things. They are huge.