DustyMark's Journey 10 Comments

Jan 14

I was going to post and tell you all I wasn’t going to blog tonight but then as the words typed through my brain like a typewriter…..I realized my post would be a blog. So here we are.

So many thoughts.

I love that you all emotionally were angry and surprised with me when you learned I could not be at Mark’s bedside. I mean you all know that I’m there! We do dialysis together (except for the few times he lined up drivers so we can move and settle). We do consults together. We do all doc appointments together. I work the portals and I answer all medical calls. In fact, they call ME. So to be shoved aside like that..I was hurt and appalled. But lets think about this. They do not know me. They do not know Mark. If ONLY we could be personal stories to everyone but we are not. You are all my people. You read this. You pray for us or you contact us. You make us meals, offer to pick up kids from Chicago and show up to hook up my plumbing. You pray for us (I said that already) and you financially support us. Of course you are all boiling at the fact that we have been seperated! Just as I am. But its not personal to them. I have decided that I am not going to be angry. I am going to talk to whoever I can and continue to be a testimony to anyone I can me. I said to Mark…I’m not this “in your face” evangelical or some great Bible teacher (like he is). I make all the friends and then hope my life is a testimony. I know I’m not always awesome. I specifically think of my daughter Felicity but as a kid she will never understand why I did or said the things I did. Even though I wish I could take words and actions back…I truly only ever wanted the best for her and still do. I’m the FIRST to admit I’m so not perfect. I would never claim to even be good but I long for it. I do know truth. I do believe it. I hope people see that and I really hope she will as well one day.

Its so weird to be here…sitting in this hotel room. Alone. HGTV is in the back ground because the background TV music is too much over time. (marriot). I love HGTV but not tonight. (and I’m not a Property Bros fan really) Most people would think I’m super adventurous and in my heart I think I also am..but I hate doing anything on my own. The thought of doing life without Mark is devastating to me. Just crushing. I often think of Krindy Potter who lost her husband in May of 2020 when he was shot. I don’t know how you move on day after day. Just like we do now I guess…you just do because the only other choice is not appealing at all.

Mark will have an tumor embolization (is that even spelled right?) tomorrow. Then Friday he will have a more invasive surgery that will fuse his back and add screws in there. They said he has good bone obove and below to attach to. He will never be able to jump and run around. And as horrible as that sounds for a 45 yr old basketball and cross country fan (and lover of all games) it beats being paralyzed and that is where he was headed. Mark longs to be at Karson’s wedding…Alys track and field season (maybe Hatchers too!), Aly’s graduation, Felicity’s baby being born, and to see his daughters marry. Playing in 3on3 tournaments seem trivial when you look at life differently. I encourage you all to look at life differently!

Recovery is 3-7 days. I heard one week then I heard 4-5 days and then I heard 3 so…we will play it by ear. I will be here as soon as I need to be but in the meantime…I am going to be with my kids. Aly wants nothing more than her dad to go on college visits with her to help her decide where to run. But at least I can do that. (She has one scheduled for Thursday) Cora is home for 3 more days and I can be with her as well. Hatcher needs me to make his lunches and remind him he has chores :). We have had some car snafu’s since I left and at least I can go home and address these things. Maybe I can even make dinner for my kids.

My eyes are burning..yes from crying. I know you may not see me as an emotional person because I come off as strong but I am just like you…I just go in private to break down. I just don’t have fight in me right now but I have been really thinking about what to do next so no worries…I’ve not given up. I do not blame the workers at UofM. I actually blame, Gates, Biden and many others. This started a long time ago (think 2016 or before) and we have all been attacked and you should all be mad. We have psychotics in charge. I’m not going into politics here but I think our free country went away a long time ago and unless someone comes in soon to save that…we all have to hope Jesus comes soon!!! And if you don’t know Jesus…you are in for a world of hurt. A life of misery.

With that being said. I will slip into more comfy clothes (or not. I’ve been know to sleep in the same clothes I have worn for three days. Not proud just keeping it real) and I will prep for morning so I can rise and get out of here and off to GRCC to meet Aly. I will contact UofM daily in hopes of getting in there. I will pray for guidance and good attitude. I will take long walks and get stuff done that I actually have control over.

I appreciate all of you! Please do not think I am a wimp or given up. I just trust that Mark is fine right now and I do not have to handcuff myself to the front door in protest. I have people working on the inside (Mainly the Lord but also his followers who have “people”)

Sigh. In the meantime…we are thinking a getaway for all of us in on the agenda. We are not sure what that all entails or if its what we should do but we are entertaining it for sure.

I wish I had some great photos…but I do not. Not at all.

I hope you all sleep better than I and think about why you live the life you live.

Comments 10

  1. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s ok to not know what to do and to only be able to do what is in front of you.. I’m on my knees for you, and as soon as I can drive again, I will be whatever we you need me to be. . Love you guys. ❤

  2. Not discouraged…. I see you being lifted up… by a different kind of hope. You are being redirected to do things not of your choice. Trust the journey. When you are not in control, miracles happen. Look for hidden blessings!! ❤️

  3. So many prayers Dusty. At each meal you guys are brought before our Lord. While doing dishes, when getting up during the night to pee. God is definitely in the hospital at U of M. And Mark is witnessing.

  4. Praying. Of course you are right. Your witness is so much more important than you being inside that hospital at this moment. Great perspective Dusty. Yes Jesus come soon and I agree. 2016 or earlier for sure. 😉

  5. My heart goes out to you! You are letting go and surrendering so much now and every minute. It is also true: You have all you need to get you through, just thinking of all who are praying for you and pulling for Mark and all involved makes me feel encouraged that you can face whatever challenge comes your way. This morning in my meditation the words came, “forgive them for they know not what they do.” I feel this was an answer to the unconsciousness that is so in our face right now. Seems we all are trying to deal with it. Lots of love to you both.

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  6. The enemy certainly knows how to sneak in and kill, steal and destroy all of our hopes and dreams. Praying for strength for both you and Mark during this time of “separation” and spend time with the kids until you can go back to be with Mark. God will make a way where there seems to be no way! Carol

  7. You keep doing what you’re doing Dusty, and take it one day at a time. Mark IS going to make it through all this, I know this deep in my bones. It is just unconscionable them not letting you be with Mark…you’re his patient advocate as well as his wife, and that is absolutely necessary! I went through this with my 88 year old Mom, Summer/Fall 2020, where in almost 6 months I was only able to be with her 3 or 4 times and actually hold her hand and talk to her face to face. It is dehumanizing for the patient and goes against so many things, but don’t give up, keep at it. We pray every day and night for you two.

  8. Praying daily for you, Mark and the family! I remember hard times…a little different senario… I had to leave our dying daughter in the NICU to care for my 2 other little ones at home and whether I was home or at the hospital, I felt guilty for not “being there”. A friend reminded me that Jesus is always there as well as an army of angels…..i needed that reminder that my daughter was never truly alone. I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that when you feel that Mark is “alone”. He is always loved and protected, even when you cannot be physically present. I cannot imagine how hard this is on you and Mark, but hope you find comfort and a closeness in faith like never before. Will keep praying!!!

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