A Deer Panteth…

Almost every morning…or evening… I see at least one deer in my back yard. Or front yard. It’s probably not always the same one but I always tell the kids Myrtle came by to say “hi”. I named her.

I was listening to a song list on Amazon Prime (oh lets not get on that subject…so unsure if I should support them but then we get into a whole other crazy subject so let’s just not) and my kids say that I need to listen to Spotify but I really just don’t want to load another app. I have a praise and worhsip channel that I like and that is what I was listening to. I think, if you follow this blog, you know that Mark andI like Shane and Shane and who do you think popped up on my radio…Yep. Shane and Shane. Psalm 42

I know the old hymn. I’ve heard it and sang it my whole life in church but I never really..really..listened to it nor have I tore apart the scripture:

Psalm 42

1 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and

6 my God. My ^[3] soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon–from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me– a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?”

10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?”

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I just figured the cute deer was frolicking in the forest and got bit thirsty from all the exercise and wants to go to water to drink. I mean, I’m always up for a nice cold drink after a run or workout. Like I said, I’ve sang the song, I read the verse…but I’ve never pondered on it and now it seems to be in my face everywhere lately.

Mark told me that when deer get shot, and are dying…they go to water. They LONG for it, the need it. They are dying. They “cry” out for mercy taking in the last cool draws of water as their body shuts down. Is it comfort? Do they know they are dying? We are dying. Every day, with a diagnosis or not. All of us are physically dying, some of are are spiritually dying or totally dead. Maybe you never knew Christ. But those of us who do….do we pant for Christ like it is our last draw of “water”? Do our souls “pant” for Him? …until we meet with Him?

I was reading Mark’s journal as I often do before I go to bed. He actually didn’t write much during all of this but he did write about how he was feeling sentimentally and a “host of other emotions running wild through ‘him'”

—-All of these emotions have been held in a fragile vessel, a cracked vessel-so any crack etc would casue me to run to another emotion–seeking the somehow patch it. The last month has felt like crumbling”

—What have you been trying to show me Lord?

—As the deer panteth for the water so my soul panteth after thee…you oh Lord are my HEARTS DESIRE and I LONG to worship thee.

—-I fall short, in so many ways.-I do not long to worship thee. You still are not my hearts desire. Forgive me-change me. I can’t without you.

I don’t really know what it feels like to long for much. I’ve always had enough. I didn’t always have much, WE didn’t always have much but we had enough. In our darkest times, I’m not sure I LONGED for Christ like He wants me to. We have so many distractions. So many people and things. Activities….in our lives that we don’t actually have to ponder upon one thing for very long before another replaces it. We have to be very intentional to spend time with Christ and for someone like me…very easily distracted…it is short and messy. So does my soul pant for God? I would have to say no. Does yours? Don’t be so caught up in “life” and hot topics on social media that it tears your heart from its path. It’s all a distraction. Satan is so stinking tricky.

I personally have to find myself alone to talk loudly to God, to complete my thoughts. And alone is something I avoid. I find people to exercise with me, walk with me, go to events with me etc. I even like planning a fun party….but to just be alone with my own thoughts and emotions…is kind of scary for me. I’m making advances toward that though. I’m taking myself out of the picture at times to be by myself. It feel selfish for sure. But my kids talk to me and I hear them and then the next day they are like “mom, you said we coudl do this”. I briefly remember the conversation but because there is so much in my head…I forget so quickly. I’m not in my best phase. I know it takes time. But while I’m waiting…while I’m healing I feel its best to work on me and add some more Jesus in there.

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Its nice to have all the big events done…to take down time…might be the lamest summer ever. Mark and I like to host. In Rockford we lived less than a 1/2 mile from Silver Lake and so we could see a great fireworks show from out front lawn. We invited people over every year and really enjoyed our guests and we plopped down on the front lawn and ended it will the show. I even put together a play list of “American Music”. When we lived at the yellow farmhouse we had pool parties and the like all the time. Every year since Aly was a baby we hosted a 4th of July party where ever we lived. Pool or not. This year I didn’t even know the 4th was coming. Like, my brain is not comprehending. But I don’t even want to host. I mean, what? You invite all your friends but I’m only half the host. Mark was the life of the party, his friends want to see him. No one wants to come to a widows party. Just saying that sounds depressing. It’s not like you can have another couple over for dinner. I guess I’ll have to clean my house less and buy less groceries right? Its more time with my kids, who may or may not want to even spend time with me.

I do want to do many things….but I have no energy…I try to work out…it feels like it consumes me…I want do projects but even my creativity can’t spark enough to start a fire. I burn out so fast. I know..I need time. I did go to my doctor and I’ve had a full blood panel done as well as one for Candida and one for thryoid, oh and my adrenals!! I’m sure they are shot and rejecting any source of energy I’m asking them to give. I go back soon to go over results…so I am taking efforts to make sure my physical body is getting taken care of but they brings me back to my spiritual body. Its easier for me to spit into vials and read up on candida diets etc than it is for me to open God’s word. Why is that? It will be a long journey but remember…we do NOT know how much time we have. Spend your time and energy in the right places.

I dream of a an entire week. No projects…no one has to be driven anywhere…no dog appointments or people appointments and all cars are running correctly. AND the house is clean. There always seems to be something right? A gal can dream 🙂