Arise

April 8th Friday

Yesterday was the appointment with the radiation oncologist. We like that office because you get attention and its not 2.5 hours away. She does talk alot…like repeats the same thing. I think she is high energy. I make this assumption from her movements…her abundance of words and that she looks like she is in athletic shape. Some people don’t like when you form these opinions….they say its a judgement but I think most people are okay with it when it compliments them or is positive.

Mark did get the simulation to go forward with radiation next week. They are going to focus on three areas. His left scapula and his left humerous. The upper third of it has a tumor in the bone marrow, hence the reason for the pain down his arm. He thought it was radiating from the scapula but that is not the case. They will also radiate in the left hip at the socket area and at the pubic/pelvic area. They are close and can be done at the same time. We have known for a few months that there is a spot on his sacrum but I think with so much going on all the time that Mark forgets all the details of his physical body. I mean, who can keep it straight!?? I can’t imagine always feeling sick. Always. And then on top of that trying to keep straight your meds, appointments and just the overall diagnosis of your body. So last night, he says he realizes the “tailbone” pain he can hardly tolerate is that area of cancer on his sacrum, and he is probably right. So we will ask them to do that area as well to see if it will alleviate some pain there.

Mark switched and starting taking his chemo pill at night and that is still going well but it makes for rougher nights and less sleep. It also makes for weird vivid dreams. Through all of this, Mark often takes my hand at night and prays for our family and for himself, as hard as it is to speak it out loud. We still ask for healing.

Saturday April 9th

We thought we would go to Chicago today but Cora told us that she was going on a retreat hosted by Moody for their brother/sister floor. It didn’t make alot of sense to go to Chicago if Cora wasn’t there. Instead we looked at a car and then I took the kids to get track spikes (which are super hard to find) and now I need to get into that garage with the goal of emptying at least one bin. Its not a very ambitious goal but its all I’m feeling. Actually, I don’t want to leave this sofa. I feel so tired and beat and I’ve done nothing. I also slept over 10 hours again and I still feel beat. This moody gray weather puts a damper on ambition for sure. Maybe a short nap and I”ll be ready to conquer the world. Maybe.

Mark feels extra bloated today and you can see alot of water weight around his waist which is odd since we just did dialysis yesterday. If he is really uncomfortable then we can do dialysis Sunday afternoon instead of waiting until Monday.

From Mark: (below)

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Arise

A few years ago I started an LCC, Arise Aviation, and left my job.  The idea around the name was, of course, alliteration and scriptural.  I didn’t tie my website to any specific scripture however, I stated that the word was used in scripture as a call to action.  Specifically, a call to action for me as well as my customers.  To face my fears and leave my comfy job and go out on my own.  I think a lot of us have been there, we have these dreams, however, the timing is not quite right and by the time things seem to finally be in the right place in life to move forward our employer has made our current situation comfortable enough so it becomes difficult to leave.  We always desire to leave pain and seek comfort, security, more income, more time with our family etc.  “Arise” was my theme, it had a scriptural basis, and aviation twist, and down deep it was my personal call to action.

Well, the time has come to shut it down and it’s a little sad for me.  I had a lot of fun the last few years and was beginning to plan what the little business would look like in the future.

Ironically, this week I’m reading a book on Lament.  One of the chapters challenges the reader to call on God like the Old Testament Psalmist’s would.  Boldly call God to action,  after months of praying and hoping, my faith has waned, my faith in total recovery, as my kidney has failed, faith that I will run or walk normal has left as my back was fused, and I have these appointments to radiate off tumors that seem to appear everywhere.  I don’t have the spiritual energy to boldly ask God to move.  The term the author uses and quotes from the Psalms is Arise.

The Psalmist is pretty bold  

Psalm 3:7. Arise, Lord! Deliver me, my God!

Psalm 10:12 Arise, O Lord; lift up your hand, forget not the afflicted.

Do something Lord! Please!  I have put my trust in God, not ignoring modern medicine as he has called us to action as well. However, I have seen little progress the last few months and I as well as others continue to pray.

Psalm 74:22 Rise up, O God and defend your cause, remember how fools mock you all day long.  

God, for your own sake, your reputation, people are watching you and watching me.  They want to know if you are real or if I am just babbling nonsense to comfort myself in my last days. Arise Lord!   

I’m struggling to continue to ask—I’m definitely not as bold as the Psalmist.  My Spirit grows weak.  

My only comfort to the fact that my prayers are not and may not be answered, is Jesus. I think of Jesus in his last days begging to have this cup removed from him,  crying out bold questions “My God, why has thou forsaken me?’.  And yet obeying despite the circumstances.  Can I finish like that?  Can I ask boldly right up to the end and yet continue to obey despite feeling alone and forsaken?  I guess time will tell.