Today I feel it.

Jan 22, 2022

People really reach out on holidays…birthdays, anniversaries etc. Days they know may be extra hard for me and my family but for some reason the excitement and busyness make those days tolerable.

Today. Today was a Mark day. I don’t really know why. I went to Sunday School and we are studying Acts. One of the books I read through and out loud with Mark was Acts. We did it while he was doing dialysis at home. It was just easier for me to read it out loud and it gave us something to do together. It helped passed the horrid procedure that cleaned his blood 3.5 hours 5 days a week. It reminded us of our past a bit too. When Cora was a newborn and we have moved into our first little house (the Olin Lakes crackhouse) we read John Grisham, The Painted House. It was for sure a slower book than most of his others but we were invested to finish it. We read out loud every night, taking turns. Throughout our marriage, periodically we have read books out loud at night, taking turns. I remember a car ride to Camp Barakel when Cora was reading Flowers for Algernon and Mark told her to read it out loud and so she did. He liked to be read to and I liked it when he read. He had a nice voice.

During Sunday School you can hear the first service…..and the songs there were singing and Felicity pointed out they were singing The Goodness of God. Which Mark loved and it was sang at his funeral. I can never make it through that song in church without crying so I made note of it and tried to concentrate but then was flooded with Mark memories and thoughts. Sunday School without Mark isn’t as great. He used to teach so he never got to go himself but when he did, he always was very actively involved asking questions..answering questions and volunteering to read. He really was passionate about the Word. He would have loved to have been in that class studying Acts. I imagined that he had gotten better and maybe was entering remission awaiting a new kidney and we were in class together soaking it all up…giving us fuel for great conversation later. But I know its pointless to daydream like that. Its wasteful and heartbreaking…so I tried to get back on track. Gosh you guys! Coffee makes me think of Mark. He was an addict!! But he loved it. Two nights before I almost got talked into a game of Euchre…Mark loved euchre! I guess when you spend that much time with someone…everything has a bit of him. Everything has SOME piece of memory or story.

I secretly was hoping Aly would bring some of her classmates to church and I’d see her (she had a tough day the day before) but no such luck, however, Hatcher did sit with me and he normally doesn’t. I made it through the worship (all worship gets me choked up now) without outright crying but my throat hurt…you know…when you want to cry but you hold it in. My sister-in-law knows…she always has the tissues. The Goodness of God doesn’t make me sad because we played it at his funeral…it makes me sad because I would listen to it when I drove back from Spectrum Hospital night after night at 10pm. Blasting it with my sunroof open because it was so HOT and I didn’t have AC. I left my husband every night and would go home…eat…blog..see the kids and go back the next morning for more unknowns. It makes me sad because when Mark got home…he was so riddled with pain. Thirst, hunger, gut pain, back pain…all over body pain…heartache pain..that he couldn’t sleep. I would get up and he would be pacing/walking around our island…..with one hand on it because he was unsteady, listening to that song on his phone…trying to sing to it out loud. He was crying out. “All my life you have been faithful, all my life you have been so so good..” and his voice would crack. Trying to praise the Lord as he knew he should…but feeling very sad and unsure and frustrated. I see that…I hear that…and it makes me cry.

I scoot out of church pretty fast…we used to often be the socializers…part of the last handful to leave. Mark had a lineup of people he either wanted to talk to or they wanted to talk to him. I wasn’t super unpopular myself and had plenty of friends to chat with and catch up with. But now…I think I’m almost afraid (not like scared) of talking to people. I have to say “I’m doing ok.” Or “I”m fine”, which is true but it’s like the pity question and I’d rather skip it.

So…Lets catch ya up on ALL of the news!

Kiyah: has 2 teeth popping through, pulls herself up on everything and can stand alone. She sporadically took two steps but that was a one time thing for now. She is ADORABLE.

Cora: is at Moody. Took a car down so she could get to church and her PCM each week without relying on other people. Haven’t heard too much from her but I plan to go to Founders Day Feb 3rd. She is doing her summer internship overseas and will need to raise money. She is asking for your prayers and I know she will eventually have a link for peopel to give to should their hearts respond that way. She has to raise $5600.00 but she gets a stipend each week from that to live off from. More to come on that! VERY exciting.

Aly: back at Cornerstone. Wasn’t sure if she was going to be able to compete this spring or not due to her health. Than BAM, her coach announces that he is leaving and took a job at Huntington University. This was CRUSHING to Aly as Josh Neideck has really stepped up and taken a role in her life that normally would have been filled my Mark. He was key to her going to Cornerstone and he was a very solid stone in her building a foundation there. I think him leaving opened a wound that has hardly begun to heal and she wept. She wept. Not cried. She wept. The whole team is feeling this loss and I ask you to pray for them. Aly did compete Saturday but she did not perform to her expectation…feeling weak and unwell with 3 laps to go. I could see it in her form and as a mom in the stands…I was rubbing my legs praying for her to stay on 2 feet and not pass out. This is not a normal request. She did, stay on her feet but she fell behind. She fell over at the finish and took some time to rest before getting up. It’s heartwrenching to watch..but I’ve been thinking. Well…I won’t share with you before I share will her.

Hatcher: is learning banjo and lifting. He is pretty dedicated and its impressive. He goes to school…comes home…dinks around a bit…lifts and still finds time to practice banjo. He has been invited to practice hurdles with the Cornerstone guys but its a bit intimidating…and their drills are beyond what he has been taught. So not sure if he will keep going but its a cool opportunity. He is doing the 90 day Read through the Bible and that’s pretty impressive for a 15 yr old. I know I never thought about it. Well, I might have, but not in 90 days.

Me: I need to feel content. I know this house does not feel like home…to anyone. I am not attached except that I put blood sweat and tears into it…but it was suppose to be a “retirement” home for us. It was never meant to be where we finished raising kids and never in a million yrs did I think my husband would take his last breath here. We had always hoped he would get better. I find myself seeking a new place to live. Dreaming about some place we can start over and call home when we can all come together. My brain does NOT stop racing but at least I am thankful I have started to sleep. I still have weird nights (like last night) but all in all I look and feel more rested. I think I’m getting better sleep. I feel less run down. Speaking of running. I’m not that much. 1-2x a week for right now in order to not get crunchy but I do have plans to do a 12 man relay (woman) in August and we are raising money for childrens cancer research (I think, but can get a link out soon. I’ve not been too in touch with the planning. I just said yes, as I often do) and it will be a much needed get away for me. I know most people don’t equate running 3 legs in a 200 mile “race” as a “getaway” but I do! I have started the process to become a speaker….I have started to refine my message about how to survive these times and come out stronger. Need a speaker at your womens small group..or large group? I’m there!!

Felicity: struggles with living in a small town with little options. She is pulled toward her birth family but at the same time knows that she needs to rise up. That’s hard. That also sounds harsh and is not meant to be. I think if you asked any of them if they were living their dream they would say no. What I have learned is that the vicious cycle is vicious! Satan leads that circle for sure. Opressing and demeaning…never wanting people to think they are worth more than he has made them believe they are! I dislike him. Alot. I want more for her. I want sooooo much more for Kiyah and I want more for her birth family. Wouldn’t it be so cool if they all could “rise up”? Arise. Mark’s word. She loves her job and her boss (she is really cool) but it’s 30 mins each way to work and her car has been acting up. Although, this last week…no issues PTL! She has had an opportunity come up but I don’t want her to move away. I really really don’t want Kiyah to move away so pray that she can work through all of that and some issues with state assistance she is having. I think it would be nice if she had a full month of no car issues, no relationship issues and no state assistance issues. I know some of it we bring on ourselves but I still want that for her and Kiyah. Did I mention Kiyah is adorable?. I love her to bits!

Karson and Abby: funny how you get married and you are no longer yourself but 2!! I mean not funny, that’s how God designed us! Making some finishes on their cottage and possibly moving a bit closer to work. Ready to make a family so pray for that! (eeeks!! eeeeks! I cannot believe I am already a GiGi but that I could be again. And that’s just 2!!! I have 4 other kids!). Karson got our podcast back up and running (yay!) and there were recordings we never posted. You have to listen to this!!! Plus…we will go back and catch up on everyone! AND I will podcast on all things needed to be said. Can’t wait. Oh…we were talking about Karson and Abby. They just got back from a biz trip to the Bahamas. Funny. I took Karson on that trip when he was 2 yrs old! hmmm.

Oh gosh! I clicked on that link and I’m drawn into Mark’s voice. Okay, I’m going to finish here so I can keep on going there. If it’s a “Mark day”, It’s a “Mark day.”

I dont’ know. There’s stuff I want to say and then when I finally open the laptop…I’m lost. Thanks for praying for us. For being invested in us and for following us. I still think…great things are coming. I do.

I keep seeing this momma go by my house and near my house. She pushes her 2/3 yr old son in a dolly stoller. I see her. I saw her heading toward the daycare. Then Stacie and I saw her on our walk when she was headed back. I stopped her and said. “hey, were you just strolling your son to daycare?” We conversed and I learned she no longer had a car so she WALKED HER SON TO DAYCARE AND THEN WALKED TO WORK!. That is my kind of woman and someone who knows how to get stuff done because she has to!! She does NOT play victim. I offered her my much better stroller (larger with larger wheels) and told her to just come get it. I pointed to my house and she was taken back. She NEVER came and got it. Must be pride…because I saw her strolling 2 days ago but smarter. She put on roller blades. Now she is really after my heart! Darn it! She WILL take my stroller. She will NOT be hunched over getting that kid to daycare. Little did she know I had given her my number and some cool toys…but she never came for the stroller. It’s time for operation “stroller lady”. Paster Chris asked what makes our heart break today? My heart breaks for the people who want more and are willing to work for it but just can’t seem to get ahead!!. Pray I can help her. She is obviously a good worker.

I went to see the Broadway show SIX with my sisters-in-laws and cousin. A very fun show about Henry the 8th’s wives. Totally unexpected and way fun!!

We sold Cora’s blueberry…AkA “eddie” PT Cruiser to another fellow college student so he no longers just sits in my driveway.

That’s it.

That’ll do pig. That’ll do.