The List That Never Ends

Dustythe journey continues 2 Comments

December 7, 2023

I make lists. I make them in my head, on my hand, in a notebook I can never find, on junk mail (I can never find) on my Bible notes while in church, in my phone, on the back of reciepts…on napkins. I make lists on any writable object just so I can get the thought from my head to my eyes. If it stays in my head it can get lost forever in that crazy abyss.

First of all, its not my fault. God made me this way. Life just made it worse. I have a creative mind…I’m right brained (mostly) and I may have a touch of ADD (undiagnosed). I just hope God is as gracious as he says he is. Like when I go to pray…before I know it, I’m drawing a sketch in my head of a closet or a floor plan…or I’m again making a list of things I need to do or complete. It’s funny…to a certain extent. After that, its frustrating. Lord, I actually did want to pray and talk with you but you made my brain unable to hold attention and so now I’m on another planet.

I can actually hold a few thoughts at one time but you never know when one will just be whipped right out of there and I stand there…wondering what it was and where it went. I can listen to a conversation…and also listen to another conversation. I can converse while my kids ask me questions, pause, answer them, and continue on. I know where everythign is in the bins in my garage (or so I thought until I can’t find hundreds of photos) as my mind seems to work like a memory game. Lately though, I start conversations…and realize later, I walked away. My kids are calling me out all the time…but my brain couldn’t hold off that next thought and so I just go with it. It actually makes me look like a crazy lady…more than normal.

So I have to make list. Who do I need to call? What bills need to be paid? What emails do I need to follow up on? Grocery list. Other errands. What do I need to do to prep for Christmas…and oh yeah. The Christmas List! I keep it on my phone now in Notes with bullet circles so I can click it off when I bought it because ….I forget. The other night I had 20 more tabs opened more than normal on my computer and I was online paroozing and shopping. I went to bed and work up and panicked as I had not clearly remembered what I did the night before. It was like in one of those movies where the gal wakes up from a night of too much drinking and wasn’t sure what she said or who she was with. But I swear to you I had zero alcohol and I was sitting on my sofa. But my head is so FULL! And I’m so tired! I literally do not remember stuff. I’m so hoping that it gets better as my body and brain start to heal but I’m getting impatient. I mean, I’ve always been a bit this way. Its part of my personality and its okay. I mean, God doesn’t make mistakes right…but it is ON steroids right now and its exhausting.

Lists. As soon as you get it all cleared off and feel like you accomplished starts to fill back up! The food gets eaten, the next car needs repair, the next bill is due and the next event is happening! I can’t stand it. Does it ever just slow down? Does it ever just stop? I know we have a bit of controll here. We can say no” more often. We can choose to not participate in activities or buy things that need attention. We can live simplier lives but that’s only a portion of the problem. I can’t control what happens around me and half the time I don’t even know how to respond….I just keep doing. I do need to learn to stop….pause…be still…wait. I don’t have to respond quickly. Time is not my enemy (but we are not friends). What I don’t do enough is seeking wiser counsel…praying through it (but as I told you…it gets hijacked) and just stopping. I am proud of myself though as last night I came to the conclusion to not attempt another activity as I know I’m not reliable, and I know I don’t really want to do it (it was to help another) and that I’ll/they will just have to figure out another way to attain it. That’s hard because I wanted to help that person alot. I know that when my chest feels tight and its hard to breathe that I’ve gone too far and I need to reel back.

I don’t know what the studies say about stress and trauma and your brain but I think it would say what I stated above…that things will be wonky for a bit. I just don’t know how long. Until then, I’ll enjoy the sunrises from my kitchen sink…any cup of coffee I can get my hands on…kiyahs cute voice and sweet smile, texts and facetimes from my girls, Hatcher’s excitement over his “gains” (at least he is talking to me), walks with friends to I can dominate the conversation and get all my words out, Christmas Festivities (which I do like but I don’t like pressure which I put on myself…I’m trying here!), the photos I’m going through and the love and blessings I truly have from friends and community. This is part of the story, part of the walk and I just need to put one foot in front of the other….and its okay to stop and pause, its not a race. In the meantime, I’ll keep making lists!!

Comments 2

  1. Yes. This. I can relate more than I’d like. It’s frustrating, my therapist assures me that it’s normal reaction from stress and trauma. Hugs and prayers to you during this Christmas season and continue allllll the lists .

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