Reviewing the Past

DustyUncategorized Leave a Comment

This was a blog I did on my blogspot over a year ago but felt it was worth reading again.


Oh my word!!  I did it again.  I got my hands into tooooo many things and blogging daily, or even weekly became too much!  But I so often feel I have things to say and I so often feel I can’t really say them.  People have a misconception of who I am, which is all the more reason to write, but at the same time, you don’t want to disappoint.

Here’s the thing.  I have prided myself my WHOLE life on the ability to DO “stuff”.  I mean, things from marathons, to leading clubs, volunteering, coaching, canning, adopting kids (whoa, that’s a big one) and anything else under the sun.  My attitude is that I can learn how to do it and probably do it well.  (Except for that last one….that one I fail at daily)  I’m now 41 years old and realize that that’s all crap and it really got me no where.  A little late to the game right?  I mean I think people admire and then can also appreciate my two cents from my own experiences but people want to connect.  People want to know YOU, hear and feel your emotions.  When you really let people in…you build relationships.  Some of those go for a lifetime.  When you can be on the same wavelength as someone else, who maybe is going through a super tough time, you can make a HUGE difference in their life.  When you look (and I do mean appear) like you can do everything and do it well, people don’t come to you.  They don’t approach you.  They never feel like they could possibly compare and so they just don’t.  They are intimidated.

This makes me sad because what people don’t know is that I’m a walking mess!  A huge one!  As I sit here I think about the simple fact that I have not showered since after Tuesday’s Turbo Kick class. (It’s Thursday) Behind me are 2 large baskets of clothing waiting to be folded and returned to the right closets and drawers.  One of those loads is from April 28th.  The day I returned from Punta Cana.  I have 4 more loads in the laundry room and about, I don’t know…..6 more needing to be washed.  I can go on and on about the outside…how things look to others.  What they can see with their eyes.  What I hate to reveal, the thing I’ve struggled with for so long ….is the inside!  I’m a mess!  I just started assessing who I am this year, at 41 years old.  I might be 3 months into this terrifying endeavour.

It’s hard.  To admit failure…to admit hurt.  I hold bitterness and resentment toward a group of people.  I hold blame.  I blame them for the torture in my life.  I feel the same about certain people. I call myself a Christian but can’t seem to forgive.  To accept and know I’m here right now, in this exact situation for a specific reason.  I just can’t fully accept that.  I feel like I need more, want more.  I can’t breathe some days.  The anxiety building in my chest is heavy!!  So I say yes to yet another thing to distract me from facing my giants full on.  Day after day after day.

Anyone feel me…at all?

Paul went to prison for what he believed in.  For telling others of Christ’s love and everlasting life.  And then from prison, he wrote letters of encouragement and support to those that were going out in his place to continue the crusade.  HE was giving THEM support.  Huh?  He was glad to be where he was because he knew why he was there and that is was worth it.  He trusted.  We all have our prisons.  Some have poverty, broken families…..Some live with horrible diseases or disabilities…some of us have to care for those with the diseases and disabilities and all we want is a “normal” life.  Some of us live with horrible pasts that we have tried to eat away and now live in a prison we call our body.  Some of us are just called to care for those neglected by their birth parents, and we are asked to do it in the midst of a lot of emotional pain. Even physical pain caused to our family members.  God could not have possibly asked me to do this right?  And why did God think it was okay to allow my sister to be murdered?  Why did he allow my daughter to be hurt?  Why does my son seem to not love me….respect me?  Why don’t I feel loved or appreciated by the people closest to me?  Why didn’t I use my head as a 19 year old girl and prevent myself from getting involved with the wrong person…..and end up a single mom struggling through college and life for many years.  Long years.

I don’t know.  I’m just know looking at how I just keep pushing on physically instead of taking the trauma head on.  Instead of grieving….crying…asking. There is not shame in having emotions.  We are not weak if we say “no, I can’t put that in my life right now”. We are not weak if we can’t hike large mountains for days with 60 pound packs on our backs.  (I think some people might call those that do, crazy)  I think I have buried all my feelings into doing stuff.  Because I can.  I was taught to do stuff, to be tough, to persevere…physically.   Sometimes, a mom will talk to me about how crazy their life is and how they can’t do certain stuff because they have like…one or 2 kids and are involved in, maybe, one volunteer position.  I’m like, “throw them in a stroller and go!”  I always thought to myself that they need to pull it together and that they can do it plus so much more if they tried.  But really, they are probably just smarter than me.  Being able to know your limits and say the word “no”, is kind of awesome.

So…I’m learning:  

-to say no

-to wait before I react

-to ask for time before giving responses

-to talk with my husband about how things fit into our lives

-to take deep breaths before dealing with certain people whose mere presence stress me out

-to be forgiving

-to be more compassionate

-to be easier on myself

-to give more responsibility to members of my family as they get older so I’m not doing all the work as if they are all still 2 years old.


-to know I have power within my family.  I do not need to be ruled by others emotions and can speak from my heart.  (that one is tough for me)

-to take downtime everyday to gather myself physically and emotionally, the touch base with my creator and form a stronger relationship there.

So….I really want to connect with people.  I want to work through my own junk….while helping others kind of do the same as they attempt to live a healthier lifestyle.  We can’t be truly healthy if there is chaos and clutter everywhere!  We must clean up!

Tomorrow I show you my journal.  Eeeek!!!!

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