lean on me

I just found a new song…well its an old one…do you remember the movie…with the song. The movie where Morgan Freeman who goes to principle the school who is full of hoolagins and troublemakers…in the hood of I don’t remember what city (new york?). Lean on Me. Do you remember?

Today I did something I had put off and then just kind of forgot about. I forgot I needed to do it.

When Mark passed I had some awesome people (and still do) looking out for me, helping me to move forward and do the things I needed to do. Its like they knew me…and that doing things is good for me. I can do.

I had to write to major credit companies and give them a copy of Marks death certificate…so that no one could try to get credit or open credit in Marks name. Easy. Done. Check. I got the gravesite…and ordered the stone (because Karson moved me forward) we did all the funeral stuff. Eventually, turned his phone off, saved all his photos etc and cleared devices…more time moved on and decided to go through clothes and personal items…the list goes on. One of the items on the list was to go to the bank and take his name off the accounts. I went to the bank….but I couldn’t do it.

When I reported back to the person keeping my list and guiding me along the way, I told him I couldn’t do it yet. I felt like I was erasing him. I didn’t want to take his name off of everything. I wanted to see it. He said he had never thought of it that way. So I didn’t. I get all my amazon packages with his name on it.

I recently got a fraud purchase on my account and my bank quickly responded…so my card was shut down and replaced. (what a pain right). I went through bills to see what I was paying with that card and realized that a couple of our bills were still being paid thorugh Mark’s debit card from our bank. Note to self to change that…but why make more of a hassle of things right now?

For some reason…my bank did NOT flag the multiple purchases from Amazon that happened yesterday. I was forced to cancel that card…and take 4/5 cards off our amazon account and pause the whole account. I thought it a good time to finally do the deed. I went into my bank and confirmed the card was cancelled…pulled out the death certificate and finally took Marks name off my accounts. The gal there was so sweet. I think she remembered me…she knew my first name (my given name!). When I went in to the counter and told the clerk that I needed to take a name off an account she told me that wasn’t possible and that I would have to start a new account. I just looked at her and said…I would still like to talk to someone please. (sigh). It was an easy process and not too hard emotionally. I then left that bank to go to our other one..(I’m on my way to simplifying) and that one proved to be a bit harder for some reason. I chatted with the gal, she was super nice. When she went to make copies…I had to hold back some tears. Life felt so lonely.

But I did it. I did it.

Now to deal with Amazon and reverse charges right.??!!

There is ALWAYS something. A broken lawnmower, a broken oven….a daughter or two with health issues…fleas…cars needing fixing…then a friend needing you…or projects to do..or a friends projects to do…Doesn’t matter. As soon as I feel like I’m getting through a “thing”…the next thing peeks up and shows itself. There is no peace. I long for Heaven for that reason. I get tired..tired of always having to figure it all out. I mean, I feel like life has always been like this but now it is magnified because its just me. Figure out finances…fasfa…classes…cars…anything the kids are going through….be with your grand babies…have more grandbabies…pay bills…change cards..change banks…clean off roof and gutters…oh, now we have ants. Chores…family…responsibilities…dog. Groceries, meals…gas…clean the house. Gosh you guys know!!! It’s life. Parts of it I LOVE…but most of it I don’t and I have the disease right now where I have realized that I am not in the moment hardly ever. I want to be able to just enjoy where I am and who I and with and what I am doing! But I rarely do. When I’m playing pickleball…I’m worrying about something else or a phonecall comes through on my watch and I can no longer concentrate. When I’m having a convo with one of the kids my mind is on finances or sometning else and I just want to be able to focus!!!

Today was a big deal. That was a big deal. I came home…made some food (because I realized I had only tastetested a muffin I made a mini scone) and I was really enjoying some music…and it just hit me…again. I am alone. I feel alone. I miss Mark. I miss all he was to us. I miss all he did…adn he was…adn I want to be strong and comfident and say I’m okay and I”ll be okay and I”m whole..but I”m not.

I was by myself…sitting on my kitchen floor….letting it kind of all pour out. I cry when I’m by myself. Felcity stopped by. Thats when you have to admit..I’m not doing okay.

So much has happened and I often thing about writing but then I don’t seem to find the time. But I have it.

I have alot to say. I’m going to be better.

Hatcher and I leave in 2.5 weeks for Brazil.

Cora is home working at Heavenflow Coffee Company at Market 41 downtown Newaygo on M37 AND Newaygo Brewery downtown. She would like to make some money while deciding between Seminary or applying to missions organizations. Aly works at Lakes Restaurant in Fremont on the golf course and she just secured a very part time position with DHS in Newaygo County to go on home visits which fits nicely with her Social Work degree. Hatcher works at M46 painting. Aly is going to finish her degree online and run independently while working. She may be assisting Cross Country at Algoma Christian School this fall. We are getting an exchange student this fall and many thing we are crazy but I have always wanted to…the kids are excited…and I think its a great opportunity to share Christ’s love right in your home and share your culture and country! His name is Mario and he is from Spain. The summer is rolling by and we still have alot to do to get Hatcher’s room ready for 2. Going to Brazil cramps our style time-wise but its all worth it. It will work out. It’s amazing what you can do when you are time crunched and you want to get it done.

So lots to pray for and think on right?!

Heres the song.

Lean On Me

Today…I thought about the passage I get to teach on when I’m in Brazil, the people who have come alongside me to just help life be more easy (lawn, house projects etc) and I am grateful and I know and you should know…that you have to Lean on Him. When you aren’t strong. When you feel you can’t carry on…Lean on Him. When your accounts get hacked…when it won’t stop raining on your projects…and you aren’t sure what to do next…when you don’t know what to say to your kids…Lean on Him.

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I ran in a Ragnar Relay and we actually got 2nd our of all female teams which was a surprise to us.

Baby Ariella!

Cora graduated Moody Bible

Kiyah is growing up!!