He Sneezed Twice

February 19th 2023

Every time Mark got into bed, he sneezed. Twice. You see, I don’t like the abrupt sounds of sneezes. Even though I sneeze myself…I mean we can’t help it and I know that but I still don’t like it. So every night he gets into bed and sneezes…and I have to cringe a bit and then relax. I know…so dumb. I thought it was because our old house was too dusty…so I tried to change sheets more often and vacuum the edge of the mattress and under the bed. But we would go away and stay at at hotel…and he sneezes!! I never did figure out why one would sneeze when they got in bed. Excitement? Relaxation? Is that possible? I was laying in bed last week and I remembered…he sneezed twice. I chuckled and at the same time was irritated that sneezing made me unsettled. I longed to hear him sneeze. The sneezing was healthy. As soon as he got sick…he never sneezed getting into bed again. I don’t ever remember him sneezing at all, but for sure when he got into bed. And he is a hard sneezer. It’s like it stopped…

They say grief comes in waves and stages and I’m not sure every single person can fit into the same mold of how much and for how long and at what magnitude…but maybe I am entering into another stage. February is hard. It always has been. Its cold and dark and I’m done with winter by then and so it’s an enduring month. It’s also Mark’s birthday. We have never been big on celebrating out own birthdays…but we usually have dinner and cake. A gift or two. We have gone away together in the past, especially if we missed our anniversary. I remember one time, in February, we were a the Weathervane Inn and it was 70 degrees out and we enjoyed lunch outside in our sweaters. It was lovely. For Marks birthday this year…I walked the beach and trails at Hoffmaster. I feel like that was always our go-to beach and I feel like we have nice memories there plus its always fun to see Lake Michigan in the winter. Mark would take us and venture our onto the lake but I refused! I wouldn’t let him take the kids on the ice either. I was afraid one would slip into one of those cave holes and be pulled out never to be seen again. When I was there last week it was a little chilly on the beach but not bad. I brought Bucky. I don’t often do that as he is not awesome on a leash but I think he really liked it. I mean, if I can “read” the doggy language he was throwing out. The day all in all wasn’t too “heavy” but the week did feel heavy and I don’t know why. Maybe just lots of Mark thoughts…and me looking into spring and wondering what that brings. I’m telling you, there are some days where, in a quick second, the shock of my reality hits me again. Like, I know. But then I think about it and I’m like, really? I no longer have my husband. He died. He had cancer and it depleted him and he died and I live in Newaygo, with my son. That’s it. That’s where I’m at. I type it and it makes my heart aches. Maybe I’ve not totally grasped the reality yet…but will I ever? I mean, I know he isn’t coming back…but I find myself wondering where he is…even though I know. It all sounds very strange and maybe even psychotic. I do realize that. My human selfish nature wants him to come back. But why would I want to pull someone from the Glory of Gods presence so I can feel better.?? I don’t…but I do.

I was walking today with Stacie. See we walk often and talk often and so I never think to take a photo but one day I will and I’ll get it up here. The sun was shining…I had been lazy this last week, swimming in my sorrow…and I was ready to walk. A long ways. I was fine doing it alone but always love the company. The end of the journey involved talking about scripture…bringing your kids up the way they should go…and they won’t depart and what that all really means….and then it led to how I don’t think many of us are living the lives we are suppose to live. We live for ourselves, striving for the “american dream” and then we sprinkle in church and Jesus instead of living the “biblical dream” with a little americanization in it. I could talk a long time on it but I won’t because I don’t always make sense but I know what I mean. We talk about vacation and getting away and seeing the world and doing things. Bucket lists. I don’t think our lives were supose to be so crazy that we needed to vacate from it. But here we are! I think our lives were suppose to be more “other-centered” and we are suppose to be spreading Gods word (I’m talking about christians) and focusing on what we can do in that area (that we live) while we are here on earth. We were put here (where ever you are) right now, to be a light to that community. Not that you can’t ever move..I mean, Paul went on three long journeys! I think..we will see great and wonderous things one day…things that will make places and events here on earth look bleak and sorry. One day, we will go to Heaven (not everyone will) and we see true awesomeness that will make the 7 wonders of the world fade in comparison. Bucket lists are for people who are living for their own joy. Hurry up and do all the things before you die…because why? Isn’t Heaven going to be much grander? So…instead shouldn’t we be loving others, spreading the good news, giving, ministering and if we happen to be able to go to cool places and see great things along the way …super. But I think we make the journey the highlite instead of the people. I think this has been on my mind alot..convicting me. Maybe it won’t be to others and thats fine…it’s very anti-culture. Just trying to figure out the meaning of life over here. I’ll let ya know when I figure it out. Its not wrong to want to see wonderful things and experience wonderful things…and to want to travel. Its just the focus I guess. Ya know?

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February 21, 2023

I never get blogs out as fast as I want to. I started 2 days ago and here I am trying to finish it up.

There’s so much to say and I also don’t know what to say. You guys DO know that I don’t tell you everything, right? That there are subject and emotions and people that I can’t talk about on a public forum…so alot of stuff that ails my heart…has to stay right there…in my heart. So that is probably why I feel like there is SO SO much yet, not much to write.

This weekend is W4 at church this weekend. A Womens Workshop. Cora is coming home to attend it and just be home. She knows where she is going for her internship! Kosovo! This was her second choice. She should have a link next week so that people can financially support her if they want or for them to share with others. Aly also is meandering home and so that should be nice.

I am taking my kids off to vacate from life.—–ha, see, just as guilty…but honestly until we can find a way to live simple undistracted lives, we might have to go away to talk to each other. When we went to Florida last year (I cannot believe we loaded Mark up and did that) Mark and Karson had a great conversation..I had a great talk with Aly and with Cora…I mean, sometimes you have to drive 1500 miles for that to happen. Anyways, I’m excited to go but nervous too because I had to do ALL the flight, housing, car logistics by myself and that gets me stressed out.

Cora might maybe be on her way to Asbury Kentucky to witness this “revival” for herself. I’m interested in what she will have to say. In fact, last i say the lines to get in were crazy and they were turning people away and telling them to stream. Stream a revival? Weird. Words Jesus never would have said.

I am doing a study that takes us to the places Jesus went so we are seeing remaments of walls and building…places he might have gone etc. I’m doing a 90 day read through AND watching Season 3 of the Chosen…so I’m in a very New Testament world. Today I put on this long boxy gray dress and thought..yep, that’s appropriate. Now I’m dressing the part. Just need my cloth on my head and sandals. I think there is no way people could be fat back then. Your food was all real food and it took great effort to make it! If we had to live like that suddenly, many would starve to death, others would slim right down. I actually have real thoughts…like worthy of brain time thoughts…but I’m not up for sharing right now..next time? I do love that if you take the time to read, think, pray, watch…it really gets you thinking. It changes WHAT you think about and how you think about it. So when tyour kids (or you) are watching junk, and questionable content…on a regular basis…your thoughts will form from that. I don’t know how people can argue that…but they do.

So I’m hositng my small group in my house tonight. If you laughed, that’s okay. I chuckle too. It doesn’t matter that the group is small, my house is smaller. We will squeeze in and it will be okay but I have some prep to do before that happens.

Also, I’m taking this online “course” on speaking and I’m falling short of the tasks and I”m wondering what I got myself into. Maybe pray that it will be evident that I’m suppose to be doing this,….or not.

Oh! I spent a weekend with some high school girlfriends up at Boyne. That was nice to just talk. We tubed and we did hit the spa. Sadly most of my friends take their photos in “heic” mode on their phones (I think that is when the live is on) and I can’t post those on there. Just doesn’t work.

I also took the Long twins to lunch and a play. They loved it. This photo makes me look about…65! ha! They saw Marks photo pop up on my screen and asked if we could send the photo to Uncle Mark. Well, girls Heaven doesn’t recieve texts.

And I have a request so I’ll be starting a new chapter in bloggin. It will have a new category so it will be easy to find.