Fear…it is a liar.

Dustythe journey continues 12 Comments

I realized this summer…what a scaredy cat I am. I like to know what is going to happen and when. I like to know what to expect and I rarely do totally new things…unless I have someone with me to trouble shoot any possible ailments along the way. I do not just pull on my boots and venture out unknowingly. I never have. I want to. I always had Mark. If I was afraid of something, he assured me. If the flight was bumpy he told me why. If I didn’t know how to go about something he helped me figure it out. Even before Mark…I had a big dreamy mind but didn’t know how to put it into action…because I didn’t know how it would pan out. I’m not laid back enough. I care too much and I also am a messy perfectionist. I can have total chaos around me..but when I do something with intention..it has to be perfect (and I also know where everythign is within my mess). I plan in my head and don’t really know what to do when it happens differently. I’m all about trying new things…but looking at my track records..it involves at least one other person and that person has usually done it already.

I’m in Maine. Because I can. My kids are on a missions trip. Cora is home working but in the beginning I thought it was possible for her to go on the same trip so I decided I would go on my own getaway. Alone. I was going to road trip it but because I’m a fearful feline….last minute wondering what I would do if my tire blew on the highway or if I was assaulted at an air bnb out in the middle of nowhere…I chose to fly. It’s quicker and actually cheaper. I do miss out on the killer playlist and podcasts I planned to listen to but I do get to enjoy more time in Maine with my friend Alora. (isn’t that a great name?)

Alora and I met through Beachbody and some people might thing MLM business’ are dumb but…anything that builds relationships are great. We connected on team calls weekly and yearly we met up at Summit, an annual conference for Beachbody. We also were able to meet up on another trip we earned for several years in a row but other than that we only see each other virtually, keeping up on each others lives via social media and some personal messages here and there. Alora is a smarty pants and her brain is way more organized than mine. She likes techy and always has good advice. She is also a fashionista and is constantly on the prowl for a great deal and pulls it all off. She is a master gardener and a beekeeper. She is a mom of 2 boys, a wife and she has great arms! :). She is currently caring for a young lady in their home via their state’s foster care and that brought me back many years!! As you know, we adopted a sibling group and my daughter struggled with alot of the same issues theirs is…something you can’t totally understand if you’ve not been there. I remember getting lots of advise and even a little reprimanding from others who had never walked in my shoes and thought perhaps I wasn’t doing it right and that is why she was acting out or that I shouldn’t treat her different. I just need to do this …or that. But they were wrong. I’m glad I was here this week to just say “hey, been there. You are doing great and I get it and its not you. Its not her either…she doesnt’ know better but its not personal and good for you for bringing her into your life for whatever time that looks like for you family.” Perhaps that in itself was a reason to come to Maine? I’m also hoping the hikes tomorrow as fun as well as hoping the lobster tastes great!

I needed a brain break. I needed to not wonder if the dishes were washed in the sink without me asking…or if 101 pairs of shoes were in the living room or put away. I needed to not taxi cab anyone or wonder which car would break next. I wanted to not think about closing bank accounts or what major project I should or could take on next or if my garage would ever really be clean. I wanted to just read a book, journal, pray and think about Mark. I want to always think about Mark. As each week passes….I am more bewildered this happened. Its not quite as raw so I feel like I dreamt it but then at the end of the day he is not here. So whether I drove or flew…I’m out of my normal element and routine and that allows me to think a bit differently, clearer. I allows me to look on my normal life and ask myself what I want it to look like now and in the future. When you are in it…you just do it. So I needed to get out of it.

BUT while out there…(because at the time I am typing this out…I have returned) I had an epiphamy. I do not need to leave life behind. I do not need to take off and be on my own. I need to be more deliberate with my time. I need to rise early and have quiet time. I need to say “no” to people, even my kids, to allow that precious time to happen. I maybe need to X out a day….even if I don’t fill it with plans…to just be one my own. I need to respect that time and not ever fill it. I could go for a hike or sit in a chair, it doesn’t matter. I allows me to “escape” the regular hustle bustle that comes with life if you don’t put boundaries on it. So I need boundaries.

On the way back from my trip I had packed my suitcase VERY full due to a few purchases I made out east. I was actually a little anxious I would be that person who couldn’t get their bag in the overhead compartment so when they offered free checked bags, I took it. Besides, it was so heavy to lug around, it would give me some freedom to let it go. See…I do NOT live on the edge at all. Well, that was a mistake. As soon as we got away from the terminal, the pilot announces an “incident” on the runway that needed to be cleaned up and we would have to wait…up to 2 HOURS!!!! First of all, what type of incident??? Did a plane crash?? And 2 hours!!?? I only had a 1 hour layover in Charlotte!! I did not freak out. I just did the math in my head…repeated to myself I am not in control and then let whatever was going to happen, happen. I have zero control. I layed my head against the window and went to sleep. We only sat for 1 hour and so I had high hopes of meeting my connection. I landed with 15 mintues to spare and I made it, but sadly my bag did not. It arrived today though (sunday) and all is well.

So Felicity got a job at a daycare that is so close to her she can walk. She can enroll her daughter for half the cost and even though her pay is not super high, she has no gas or car expenses and so this is a complete answer to prayer. We had taco dinner out on the deck to celebrate and she starts training Wednesday. She is still working through some stuff in order to get all of her ducks in a row but she is doing it! Its hard some days when she feels like she is up against a wall but I remind her there is an opening and it is totally worth it to find it. She is on her way to a more independant and abundant life where she can be proud of what she has accomplished for her and her daughter. It won’t happen overnight and there will be moments of chaos and backup but it will happen. Also we had a quick photo shoot!

I said there will be more podcasts and I wasn’t lying…There is a pre-recorded one I need to get released but I am totally relying on others to do that as I do not know how. BUT I can record more on my own and would love to know what it is you all want to hear. Cora released a short tiktok video talking about her boyfriend and it went viral…so maybe we talk about that and what that looks like, or what we think dating should look like.

The kids and I are gearing up (literally) for another Wyoming backpacking trip. We are excited to go but today as I was getting my pack and gear I felt really sad. I’ve only done this with Mark and I have stated over and over again….that Mark had just finished a 10 day backpacking trip and then all of a sudden he was diagnosed with cancer. This was our last hurrah. This was it. Its very nolstagic and I know I’m not crazy because when we got in the car after Aly was even more upset than I was. I told her I didn’t want to avoid things because it reminds us of dad but rather do them anyway even if it means crying through them. (sigh). I don’t plan to be too social for this trip but not only do I get to get away but my kids will be near me and with me. Going away is fun…or a fun thought…but being away from your kids never feels good and I am always eager to get back….even if they drive me crazy the first 5 minutes I’m home.


Here’s a question for you guys? Related to this topic or not….Do you think God still performs miracles? I didn’t ask if He could…I asked if you think He does? Give me an example. I have some thoughts…and questions regarding it and thought I’d address this in the next blog.

Comments 12

  1. I saw what I call “mini miracles” with Colton. I have seen bigger ones in the petacostal church but I am a skeptical.. my own sister had a broken foot heal through prayer in an instant, so yes. I believe the happen.. but I don’t know why they don’t, when they don’t.
    I don’t think it is lack of faith, I think it is something bigger. A plan we can’t see.

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      I think I just have to be okay with not knowing….and I’m just not there. I want to understand but I’m learning…we can’t totally understand Him. If we did we wouldn’t be in awe of him..in fact, we couldn’t handle it! I had a bible study dicussion regarding this since I last blogged.

  2. I could write quite a bit about this one (I’ll do my best to keep it short). I remember the moment when the doctors sat Jason and I down and told us there was nothing more they could do to save our daughter. The day before there was a plan of action and just mere hours later, nothing. The fight was over. The only thing that could be done was to keep her comfortable until she passed. Jason and I sat for hours (22 hours to be exact) praying for a miracle. We couldn’t understand God not being willing to save her life. We couldn’t understand how God couldn’t use this as an opportunity to show his love, grace, and a miracle.

    So many people were following her journey, just like Mark. I knew that if God performed a miracle to allow her to live, everyone would know it was because of His works. But that wasn’t part of His plan. After Sadie passed away, I was angry that God didn’t perform the miracle I wanted. How were people from the Bible times more deserving of this type of miracle than those living in this day and age. After some time, I came to this conclusion.

    Yes, God still performs miracles. I think society expects God to work in certain ways and we only focus on the results we want to see. I think miracles are performed everyday, all the time, and so often that we cannot comprehend it. I think we aren’t open enough to God’s will, because we don’t understand His plan. So often we see only what we want to see, and that blinds us from the miracles and greatness He performs all the time.

    Thinking back on my situation, I wonder if the miracle was God saving her from a life that would have been worse off. I wonder if the miracle was God blessing us with Sadie’s life and death so I could draw closer to Him and get a better glimpse of the love He has for us. I’ll never get my “why’s” answered here on Earth, but I choose to believe He heard my prayers and performed a miracle. I just wish someday I’m able to perceive what that miracle was.

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      “I’ll never get my “why’s” answered here on Earth, but I choose to believe He heard my prayers and performed a miracle. I just wish someday I’m able to perceive what that miracle was.”
      Me too.

  3. Dusty,

    Dang, girl! I just have to say how proud I am of you. The traveling by yourself, the figuring out the need for good boundaries, the desire to face the “firsts” (e.g., family backpacking trip) without Mark even if it means crying your way through them. You are brave and strong and inspiring!

    Yes, I do believe God performs miracles still. I think my son Mitch is one of them. I believe God healed him by removing the cancer through surgery and is continuing to heal him through chemo and immunotherapy. I don’t know the number of days written for him in the Lamb’s book of life, but I know God will not short him on the number He assigned to him before the world began.

    My mom is a walking miracle, too. She should’ve died after I was born since she had a aortic aneurysm rupture during my birth–that wasn’t discovered until emergency exploratory surgery 4 months later. She was full of blood clots that never traveled to her heart or brain and was written up in the medical journals. She is now 81 years old. I can’t imagine growing up without her!

    That sweet granddaughter of yours is another miracle. God always finds a way for life and renewal to burst forth. The fact that He–Almighty God Whom the heavens cannot contain–lives in us, talks to us, guides us? The biggest miracle of all!

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story w me. I really enjoy spending this time reading things your going through. I’ve had a few miracles happen in my life. 2 of my children almost died when they were born. My dr told me he didn’t think my son would make it through the night. Lots of praying for him God had plans for him Praise the lord. He now has 6 kids. And my daughter has 3 girls🙏🏻🙏🏻

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  5. I’ve seen many miracles in my lifetime, some seem small some larger. Our son was paralyzed in a water skiing accident when he was 20. He could have died as the injury was high on his spinal cord. Today he’s the father of two sons and is healed.
    I had breast cancer at 37 and am still serving God at 72.
    More times than I can remember, we have needed money for something and it has come from surprising sources at the last possible minute.
    There have been many times I’ve thought about wanting something material, and it came without me hardly even realizing it was an answer to prayer. Material things that aren’t necessary, but God has blessed me with them anyway.
    Then there have been several times when I spent agonizing time in prayer for healing for family and friends and God didn’t heal. My faith has taken hits and God has to work with me to restore my faith. As a young Christian it was a family member with brain cancer and she wasn’t healed. I was devastated. A friend from church with lymphoma died and left my good friend a widow. He was such a strong Christian and we had such great fellowship! And Mark! My faith has taken a hit again. It will recover because God is faithful.
    Those are my thoughts at present. And I’m always praying for you and the kids. Keep letting us know what’s happening please.

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  6. Dusty, I think you are so brave to venture out on your own and with your kids! You are amazing! The photo shoot is so adorable!

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