October 12th 2022
I went to bed last night…after turning off my mid-century lamp. Right behind the lamp is a vintage style photo of our family a couple summers ago..in the park on Labor Day weekend. ( A tinplate) I looked at Mark in the photo and then looked at other photos and a paintings I have of him….and then I went to bed. Even though it was dark and the lights were out..the moonlight and garage lights streamed in enough that I could see the photo in my bedroom…the only one I have. The photo of my family that was super spontaneous but one of my favorites. Stacie had photo shoots that day in the orchard by my house and we were sneaking in as the last family…only me, Mark, and the 3 bottom kids living wth us. She captured great emotion of me and Mark and of Mark and the kids…and this one…I’m looking at Aly with a full smile and Mark is looking over at Cora and towards Hatcher….with a full on smile and laugh. Mark is horrible at taking photos…if you ask him to smile for a shoot, it’s like Chandler in Friends. If you know, you know. So this photo is REAL. I made it large and I put it in room. I layed in bed and just looked at him. You guys, I don’t kow how to explain the feelings…when you look at him…and a year ago (or just over) he was here just like that. A year ago, he was here, sick, but here. There was hope…but now he was gone. All I could hear in my head last night was him joking about how he was going to die first. That we all knew I would outlive him. Did we? I think he was thinking at age…80 or 90…not 46! We talked about it alot..often…why? It’s like he knew. It just ran over an over in my brain. It felt really sad to me. Mark travled alot and I was home alot on my own and it was never a huge deal…..because I knew he would be home and we would regather and pick up where we left off. But he isn’t coming back. And I think sometimes I’m not sure I have totally grasped that. It was heartbreaking as I laid in bed last night. As I laid in bed…in a bed that was too big for one. A bed I make each morning by simply folding back one half of the covers. It took me 2 years to get him to fold back his side and now I would give anything to have it disheveled. (?)…unmade. I’d love to make his bed..I’d love to pick up his underwear again…RIGHT next to the hamper. I’d love to smell his cologne again..his deorderant. For him to call me “Dust”. To make him cookies and to yell at him for not taking off his shoes in the house. To hear him tell me he loves me how I am and that I don’t need to improve my physique. To have him, hesitantly, go on another Beachbody trip with me to the tropics where we can just be NOT at home with 6 kids. I’d love to see him with Kiyah..with her dimply smile and laugh. He will never experience that…but more importantly I will never experience that with him and she will never know him as NONE of my grandkids will. They got jipped. BUT I am not mad at God. I know what they missed out on ….but I know God’s plan is GOOD! HE knows so much more than I can EVER comprehend and so I will TRUST through the sadness and confusion.
I was going to talk about my marathon…but I’m tired now and really it just seems silly. Yes, I was part of a team raising over 53K but I didn’t do it for Mark, if we are being honest. I did it for me…to feel alive and real. To push my limits and give me a distraction. I raised money for those that are still fighting…still alive. I can do NOTHING for Mark now…nothing. He is gone. He is in the glory of God and I know there is come disagreement on exactly what happens when…(when we die) but I know he (mark ) is NOT looking down on me and my family….nor is he “with me”. I hope that doesn’t offend anyone but its not biblical. If Mark looked down on us..he would see my lack of being a single mom and he would see me cry myself to sleep and he would see my kids huge heart ache as they try to go through life. That would be sad. Heaven is NOT sad. There are no tears there. So there is no way Mark is looking down on us or is with us. In my own human terms..I carry his memory with me…yes..because I am always thinking of him! But he is not riding on my shoulder like the cartoons having a devil and angel. That would be really sad to be in the Lords presence and the also with us. There is no way. When people say “he is there”, I pretend they are saying I am thinking about him when I am looking at, experiencing or attending something…not that his soul or any part of him is here. He is not. Can you even imagine floating around with your loved ones…as they pay bills, go to Wal-Mart, and grieve you? No thanks. That’s Hollywood. NOT how it really it (biblically). I guess I’ll talk about my marathon later. I’m too tired now.
Comments 6
I agree with you Dusty. I think it is sometimes easier for people to think and say that people are looking down at them.
I do wonder how the marathon went. I’ve been looking for a post.
I continue to pray for you as the Lord brings you to mind.
I hope that if the Lord chooses to take my beloved Tim home before me that I can be clinging to God like I see you doing.
When I said it to you, this is how I mean it. To me he is with you everyday, because he lives in your children and their memories. When you look at them, it’s looking at the two of you and what you made. They each hold something special and some characters of mark and yourself. He lives through them! I sound all lion king right now, but that is what I believe. Just sharing!
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I know what you meant and I didn’t want to offend anyone that is just truly trying to comfort me and love me…..So I didn’t write that based on your comment. People have been saying stuff like that for months now. “gaining an angel” etc. We don’t become angels. :). And I do hold precious memeories and thoughts and so when I see mykids and lovely scense…I think of him and so I do “hold him” with me. BUT I think there are people that think, like, their spirit or something rides along with us…or that Mark is actually “looking down” on me while I go through life. I was referring more to that. I love you Melissa…thank you for all your support and for being my friend, even if we can’t spend that much time together….I know you love and care for me.
I just want to hold you and hug you!! When I read your blogs I remember those little girls that played with mine in ‘82 when we were there for Scott’s graduation or those 3 babies (you, Andrea and Matt) sitting on the blanket. My heart breaks for you!
Praying for you, Dusty., that God’s comfort and healing presence are yours every day.
I know Dusty. I still can’t believe he is gone. I just loved his laugh. He was also a great story teller. I think of you and your family often. Thank you for sharing your story.