Just as the Dust starts to settle….

October 18, 2025

You might think I”m talking about a project…because given my past ( and present I guess) I tend to busy myself with projects. I tend to create my own chaos…that I then need to conquer and squelch…only to start all over again. Its an exhausting never ending and somewhat satisfying cycle. I mean there must be some silver lining or I wouldn’t keep doing this to myself.

Well…you are wrong. I’m not starting another project…okay, that’s not true. I just finished one and I”m helping someone else with theirs…but when I talk about Dust Settling…I’m not talking about sanding dust or drywall dust….I’m talking about life’s dust.

I’ve said this before and I know those of you reading know what I”m talking about but life just seems to be full of hard stuff. Some are harder than others…but these situations and circumstances seem to keep blastng out at us like nerf bullets from a nerf gun operated by a 10 yr old. (because what other child would shoot at their mother). So I know as I type this…its not “woe is me” nor do I think I’m the only one going through stuff. I know I’m not…I’m typing it out because it feels good to get it out there…to get feedback and to let others know…I feel with you. Plus, I think I’m losing my mind so I need to document it all and I could just kick myself for my lack of documenation over the last year. I enjoy it and loathe it at the same time. I realize I’m a unique specimen but I also know there are others like me out there.

I just realized as I put the date up there…that tomorrow is the 26th annivesary of my sisters death. Some years it comes and goes without recognition by me at all and some years it hangs over like a dark cloud. This year it seems to hang…because…well, I think its because of my struggle (our struggle) with my mother. Memory is a funny thing. Brains are such intricate things. WHY is there a disease that makes one struggle with memory in a way that makes them suffer with anxiousness, fear, uncertainty, confusion…with only glimpses of reality popping up now and again? Where they forget to eat, can’t follow a story, and struggle to recognize their own family. Why do their brains choose certain people to forget and not others? Why is their home of 54 yrs not home but home is where they grew up for 14 years?. Why do old memories rise and the conversation we had circled through 12 times in a morning not stick?

Life has come like a west wind and the dust that just seemed to settle….has been blown up…whirling through the air…thick enough you can’t see through it. So once again, we meander our way thorugh life waiting for things to be figured out or figuring them out for ourselves…knowing it will all settle on every little possible shelf…so then you have to go back through and suck it up…wipe it down and maybe if you dispose of it quickly…it won’t get ruffled up again. However, that is not likely.

I did an interview with Mitch Bakker, author of Resolve and now, Drawn. He was especially DRAWN to Marks story and has included a short version of it in his new book. He has also started a podcast where is is talking about Joy and Loss and more…those things/circumstances/people that draw us to the Lord. He asked me to interview last week. I said yes. I’m not sure if I communicated what I wanted…but its done. I guess if he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t have to use. it. Since the podcast interview…I have thought even more about Mark, especially with this being our anniversary month, and life in general. I stand by the “this is part of God’s story and I want to be an active part so when hard stuff comes, I take part”. I keep hoping the Lord will lead me, knowingly or not, down the path He wants me by the people He puts in my life and the opportunities that arise.

I still feel lost. Purposeless. I’ve taken on a couple part time job opportunites that came my way and of course I’m second in command as we navigate through the world of dimentia/alzheimers and what that means for our family. I know we chose this house 20 years ago because it was cute and one day we might need to be closer to my parents to help out. And we renovated in 2020 with the same thoughts in mind. We had plans. Those plans however, did not include….having cancer, dying in 9 months after moving family from home they love…living here on my own…and then grandparenting on my own….assisting kids through lifes stages…and then helping to care for my mom…alone…way way sooner than I thought I’d have to. I’m not ready. I’m not set up. I was in the right place at the right time but the circumstances are not what we thought But I DO know that that is part of my purpose. Somehow, whether full time or part time, for a short time or a long time…I am to help care for my parents if I can.

So as I cover my mouth from the dust….so as to not breathe it in….allowing it to choke me…I will once again acknowledge, I am not in control. The Lord is Lord of all. We may not like it, or understand it but if it comes from Him, it is good. Disease is a result of human sin….but relationship and timing….and all of that is of God. So before I start to moan and cry about it…which I have done….because I am a very selfish person and I just wanted a break….I have to remind myself…..my life is not my own. I am called to bigger things. I can trust, follow and obey and know it will be alright because…thank goodness….this life is temporary.

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